12.6.2018
A type of “he said/she said,” but definitely about what one spouse intended to communicate….versus what the other heard.
He said: “Let’s leave for the ___ at 6 pm.”
He meant: We’ll be in the car and ready to pull out of the garage by 5:55 pm. That way we’re actually leaving at 6 pm.
She heard: I’ll be gathering my coat, purse and anything else I need to take (unless I forget whatever and don’t remember until we’re starting to pull out of the garage) at approximately 6:05 pm. Or 6:10 pm, close enough. Somewhere around there.
She said: “Oh, I’d like something practical for (Christmas, my birthday, our anniversary).”
She meant: Don’t even think about buying me a vacuum—no matter what I said!
He heard: By practical, she certainly means a new toaster or floor mats for her car or a vacuum. Yes, she’s definitely hinting for a fancy new Dyson!
She said: “I’m really tired tonight. Sure wish I didn’t have to fold those clothes in the dryer.”
She meant: YOU SHOULD VOLUNTEER TO DO THAT FOR ME.
He heard: She wants me to encourage her to do that tomorrow, so I will generously suggest exactly that!
She said: “I need you to listen to my heart.”
She meant: By all means, do not offer a list of practical solutions. I need you to listen to how I’m feeling about all this. Simply listen and murmur your understanding of what I’m feeling!
He heard: Fix her. Fix. Whatever. Pronto.
She asked: “How do I look in these jeans?”
She meant: Say I look great, good, skinny, slim, wonderful, sexy. Any of the above. But do NOT under any circumstances say or hint that I look FAT.
He heard: Give an honest evaluation.
Postscript: To him…RUN.
He said: “How about we just stay in tonight? Enjoy an evening at home—the two of us.”
He meant: Let’s watch the ballgame on TV.
She heard: “Let’s cuddle on the couch together, eat popcorn, and watch the latest Hallmark Channel movie!”
He said: “I need to get a couple things at the mall.”
He meant: We’ll scoot in, grab what I need, and hustle right back out.
She heard: Let’s go shopping at the mall, spend hours strolling, looking, and buying. We can pick up what you need plus several other items I’d love to shop for!
He said: “Don’t cook. Let’s go out to eat.”
He meant: Go easy on the budget and time with McDonald’s, Taco Bell or Chick-Fil-A.
She heard: Carrabbas, Macaroni Grill or Outback Steakhouse. NO clean up and someone else serves me!
Connecting More Deeply
With my God: Maybe a significant part of my spiritual growth is related to my ability to be totally open and honest with my God. Am I comfortable doing that, really? Why or why not? What does this say about our “relationship”?
With my spouse: Put in this form, The Flip Side is humorous. But these are actually communication attempts gone wrong. Therefore, I need to seriously consider, which of these examples of he said/she said do I relate to the most?
Which ones do we as a couple play out often and how can we change those unhealthy patterns? Maybe we first need to discuss: Do we want to put the effort into making changes? Do we need to focus in more on what’s working for us—and what’s not?
With my community: Am I truly listening to the people around me? When and how am I hearing only what I want to hear?
Leader’s Corner: Discuss how listening is not a passive endeavor, but is instead active, requiring a focus on non-verbal communication; single-minded attention on the speaker (rather than being distracted by preparing one’s own next comments); and the ability to clearly re-state what the speaker’s said. But active listening also requires mindfulness on what can be illusive: “hearing” what is being said from the heart. Discuss specific ways we can become this type of listener.