I imagine if I could do a poll right now concerning one of the major attractions to your spouse, an overwhelming response would be how the two of you could talk for hours, never running out of things to say, never getting bored, never failing to intimately understand each other. So what’s happened since those first endless conversations when we communicated so well? Learned behaviors—ones you’re possibly not even consciously aware of—emerged and firmly planted themselves right in the middle of your relationship. By now they’ve grown such deep roots that, first of all, it will take determined and pro-active decisions on your part to expose them. And then continuing hard work to keep them from popping up again. Like weeds in the garden, they will keep sprouting unless you prove more determined!
HINTING? HINTING. OH YEAH, HINTING…The first “game” we’re going to tackle was definitely a subconscious one on my part, but at the same time, I thought it a reasonable and effective way to communicate. I learned to hint in my home of origin (everyone knew the rules and it worked great there), and I’m telling you, I was good at it. But something wasn’t going well in my marriage and my efforts at hinting were falling on deaf ears: Craig proved to be ridiculously dense when it came to responding to this viable form of “get him to do what I want him to do.” Or was he fully comprehending, but then deciding that he wouldn’t respond? Hmmmm.
The scenario would play out like this: I’d had a long, trying day. We’d just finished dinner and I was sitting at the table, dawdling, dreading the cleanup. Especially since I had clothes in the washer that needed to go into the dryer waiting for me too. And then I’d have to fold those things when they were dry. Ugh.
The thought zings through my brain: Though Craig has his own list of chores that we’d divided up fairly, maybe Craig would do the dishes for me tonight? I’ll give that a try.
“Boy, I’m really, really tired tonight.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Well, that didn’t work. Guess I’ll have to up the pitiful me quotient. Major yawn followed by: “Sure wish I didn’t have to do all these dishes.”
“Yeah, me too.” Totally annoyed look directed towards Craig.
His response, while grinning, “Would you like me to do the dishes?”
“Would you, please?”
“Glad to. Was it so hard to ask for what you actually wanted?!”
Even decades later, I can still revert to hinting when I’m tired; as mentioned earlier, old habits can sneak back in when we’re stressed, out of sorts, worn out. And for whatever reason, it is difficult for me to ask for help sometimes. To admit I need help for what I judge I should be able to do.Maybe it’s a women’s thing or the result of being a mom…or maybe it’s not limited to women at all. But there’s this expectation on myself that I carry, a judgment that I put there: These tasks (whatever that list includes, and yours might be shorter or longer than mine) belong to me. If I don’t do them, then I’m not fulfilling my responsibilities. So rather than ask, phrasing my request in an easy to understand question, I hint.Should I take time to back up, look at The List and then re-think my expectations for myself behind that list? Could be that conquering the problem of hinting requires a two-pronged approach: First, exposure and determined, pro-active decisions to not hint. And secondly, digging out the feelings behind the default to hinting that are based on my unrealistic expectations for me.
|
Connecting More Deeply
With my God: If I’m one who hints, why am I doing that? What’s broken in my acceptance before God that motivates me to use this poor form of communication rather than clearly expressing my needs and desires? Am I hinting to God too? Do I consider it somehow sinful to boldly ask my God for what I want?
With my spouse: Do I hint because I’m hesitant (afraid, even?) to plainly voice my needs? Do I consider that lazy, a bad use of my time, irresponsible, or just embarrassing? Is there something else—other emotions or unmet needs—hiding behind my tendency to hint? If I’m married to a spouse who hints, what can I say and do to help him/her change this unhealthy pattern?
With my community: Am I using hinting in any way with extended family, friends, co-workers, supervisors, any others that I interact with throughout my day?
If I am hinting with co-workers or supervisors, what career problems is that producing? How can I replace hinting with more constructive communication?
|
