Part One: Husbands on the Hot Seat
Think you might not relate to this one? Hang in there with me as I tell my story…
I first noticed Craig during our orientation at college. Part of that busy week was the election of our class officers, and Craig stepped right up to the plate to run for president. I remember watching him in utter amazement, wondering, How on earth does he have the confidence to do that? I was still timidly feeling my way around campus, getting to know my roommates, the culture, the expectations. Clearly Craig had a PERSONALITY—yes, an all caps, in your face, force. When we started dating later that year, I couldn’t claim ignorance concerning the intensity and dynamics of the man, now could I? Good heavens, what had I gotten myself into?
Fast forward decades to a leisurely dinner with friends when we were discussing our careers and how God had directed. Craig shared how he’d come across an article entitled “Why Is It Always about You?” and how he’d eagerly brought it home for me to read.
“Oh, Craig. Tell me you didn’t,” our friend immediately interjected, chuckling. “You couldn’t have thought your marriage didn’t fit that pattern, did you? Really?” We all laughed, and I shared how I’d reacted to Craig’s cluelessness—not so much angry as bemused that Craig still didn’t get it.
At the same time, I readily acknowledge that Craig has worked diligently to invest in me—in numerous ways. I asked him to list pro-active steps he’s taken to make our story “more about us”:
1. Encourage Carolyn to believe in herself and that she’s a strong writer with valuable ideas to share
2. Listen and help her process decisions and ideas
3. Support financial investments for her to pursue her passion
4. Do what I can to enable her to have time to write—a full day weekly, more whenever requested, and all with limited interruptions
5. Not schedule events related to my work that could interfere with her writing
6. Lower my expectations regarding home-cooked meals
7. Assist with technology, marketing ideas, and other areas as I am able
8. Read and provide feedback on her writing
9. Dedicate the home office for her use and provide the tools she needs
10. When and wherever I’m speaking, I seek ways to mention Carolyn and the impact she’s had on the Kingdom—serving with me, and through her unique gifts.
If you’re wondering, then yes, I can absolutely say that Craig’s diligence has made a significant difference! I know (by my experience and from others) that he constantly emphasizes my role, presents us as a team, and builds me up with a touch of bragging. If I’m in attendance, that generally makes me blush, but honestly…I’m not going to nag at him for his loving intentions! (And quite honestly, for men who hear him do that? He’s a great role model.)
When looking at this topic in a broader sense, I’m going to assume that most Christian homes have come a long way from “the little wife should stay at home” kind of prejudice. But do we experience the nuances of a dominant personality eclipsing the other in our marriages? Oh, yeah. No doubt. Husbands, where are you on that sliding scale? Both of you, read through the questions below, and jot down your answers, separately. Then, compare notes. Could be time for a more in-depth discussion… |
Diagnosis Time: Any of these feel familiar?
*Does one person’s career monopolize your conversations?
*If you’re both working and a child gets sick, which one is assumed will stay home?
*Is one career considered more significant/valuable than the other? And maybe you can’t put your finger on exactly how and why, but it just works out this way?
*If you’re a stay-at-home mom (note: I did that for years, by my choice), have your self-worth and autonomy suffered? Be specific in explaining how.
*Your relationship could be flipped: Is the wife the major bread winner with a more dynamic career? As her husband, how does that make you feel? Are any of these questions true of you?
Refer back to Craig’s view on submission given in our newsletter (or my website) entitled “I’m the Boss versus Sharing Decisions Equally versus Sacrificial Submission.” Summing up Craig’s study on this passage, he’s convinced that both wives and husbands are called upon to submit—to sacrifice for the sake of the family, as God directs. Ephesians 5 doesn’t paint a picture of nor advocate for a tyrant making rules for his wife and children to follow. Quite the contrary, the description of the husband’s submission is a sacrifice likened to Christ giving himself for the church. Hello? As in dying for her. That level of sacrifice.
Gentlemen, you’ve been put on notice. |
The Challenge
I’ve had to work hard to not be swallowed by Craig. That “all too familiar” list above? Those came from my experience: I felt every single one of them. But Craig’s forceful nature worked in a positive way too: He countered the negatives with a genuine belief in me and then put that belief into practice, granting me his time and effort and investment. All that has allowed me to grow and develop and become a very separate and unique me.
I’ve learned from experience that a wife can indeed thrive even in a marriage with a large personality like Craig. If you relate and are living with a Force (could be a husband or a wife), upend the possible outcome: Pro-actively use that spouse’s strength to build up the other, and as a by-product, the marriage too. That wife will not be swallowed. Instead, she will blossom. And that, my friends, is what a God-designed marriage can be. |
