Been to a wedding when both bride and groom vowed to do this for each other? Felt a nearly overwhelming desire to stand up and shout, “Time out! Can we talk about this?” Yeah, me too. How can something that sounds so good be so bad? Or maybe better put: Can such a sincere motivation go so wrong? First: Only God can meet all our needs. Only he can see into our hearts; only he can view us emotionally naked; only he can push aside all the stuff we hide behind to view the reality of who we are. And ultimately, only God doesn’t shy away or gasp in shock or be surprised or push us away for what’s there. God knew/knows all that before we even begin to attempt honesty in confession. And because that’s where he begins with his love and acceptance—at “ground zero,” so to speak—only God can begin the rebuilding process to fill in the chasms that separate us from Holy God. Second: If you’ve promised to meet all your partner’s needs, you’re not just on shaky ground—you’re eventually going to fall into a crevasse. I’d like to say that I applaud your intentions, but actually, the sincere is mixed with a smattering of ego and pride. Because we’re just not able to do that. For anyone. Ever. We have our own messes we’re attempting (or should be) to wade through, understand, and control. (And just when you think you’ve arrived? There it is again, with a slightly different twist!) God never intended for us to take this upon ourselves. Third: If your spouse has promised to meet all your needs, then read through that last paragraph again. For all the same reasons, reversed. Sorry to disappoint. Fourth: Where do we go from here? Is there no hope for these sincere though misguided promises? *YES, there is hope. But we need to admit this pathway is unattainable. *Realize and accept that it’s a do-over, but a redeemable one. *Have a gut honest, no-holds-barred talk about where you two are on this. If one spouse is still expecting this of the other…or if one is attempting to provide this for the other, you need this out in the open. Release each other from that pressure. And then affirm this is in no way connected to your love for one another. This is not a deal breaker! *Begin to peel the onion: What’s behind my desire for you to do this for me? Or…what dynamics are occurring in me that make me want to do this for you? (More below in “Peal the Onion”) Last: Come up with a new plan/commitment in which you can realistically fulfill your roles as husband and wife. What needs can you genuinely seek to fill? What needs are beyond your boundaries? Be as general and specific as you can for greatest benefit to your commitment and health of your partnership. |
Connecting More Deeply With my God: What we think we need and what God actually provides can get messy. Have you thrown back at God—like I have—the accusations, “Why are you making us do this? I just can’t!” or “Why aren’t you providing the resources we need for _____?” (Fill in the blank with children, ministry, bills, medical costs, etc.) or “We came here because we discerned it was your will, God; why aren’t you providing what we need?” I’d like to tell you that I’ve always been spiritually mature when perceived needs and provision were at odds. I wish I could also state that God provided every time that we asked him to. And yet, in a way, he has. We’ve never been without a home (maybe a parsonage or rental, but still our home) or food or basic provisions. And sometimes, he miraculously DID provide for us! What happened every time, without fail? I learned something. And I found myself symbolically at his feet, worshipping my God. With my spouse: As Craig’s wife, I alone am charged with filling many of his needs. These include: sexual and emotional intimacy, partnership, romantic love. I thoroughly enjoy providing meals that he relishes, an unexpected card that encourages, the surprise help for all sorts of tasks that he’s facing—chores around the house, ministry work, anything that he’s dreading doing alone. Providing for him—seeing his face light up because now we’re doing the task together—is a delight to my heart. What might you do today (or tomorrow? Next week?) to surprise your spouse by helping him/her with a need? Right now: Come up with a surprise plan. Afterwards…how did you feel? When might you do another “fill a need surprise!”? |
Take the Challenge: Peal the Onion First of all, what do we mean by this? Sometimes it takes dedicated and focused work, like stripping several layers of clingy paint from an antique to get to the core issue. If you’re only treating symptoms, you’ll never find or be able to apply the cure. Craig’s method of pealing: Journaling and prayer. He shares: “Journaling with God on a regular basis provides the freedom for me to simply share my heart with God without worrying about who else will see what I write. Putting my thoughts on paper as they flow freely from my heart has enabled me to see things in my soul that I don’t think I would have discovered without journaling.” Carolyn’s: As I’m praying, I evaluate strong emotions. Why am I feeling this? almost always directs me to look at a specific insecurity or sin or lack of trust in my God related to something that’s happened. Once I center on the cause for the emotions, I can then work on that issue through prayer, reciting my memorized verses, and bible reading. (It’s amazing to me how often my inductive bible study leads me right to the area of my current struggle.) For your discussion: Share how each of you works to uncover your core issues. What works best? What have been some of your discoveries? Or…do you need to begin this spiritual work? What method shared (or something different) might work for you? As Craig and I age, I’m getting the “I can’t hear you, you’re mumbling,” line followed a few minutes later by “Why are you yelling?” AURGHHH. Keeping track of the humorous exchanges on this journey of “challenged hearing,” one of those played out like this: I’m getting in the car, and I say, “I’m putting my seat on!” Craig: “You’re putting your FEET on? What’s wrong with your feet?” AURGHHHHH. |