First, an honest evaluation: Which of you is more hesitant to look at his/her emotions? And therefore….also more reluctant to look at his/her partner’s feelings? Before we go any deeper, Craig and I ask that you take this first step of faith to assess – not to assign blame or weakness or inadequacy. Instead, this is merely an identification step to help you both better communicate and ultimately, become a stronger team. Second, we’re including a section from our book on marriage (entitled Faith Tango) in which Craig transparently shares a time when he had to summon the courage to trust me with his feelings. Remember that this example could originate from a husband – or a wife. Whichever role you find yourself in – one who more easily shares emotions, or one who doesn’t – I hope you can place yourself into the heart of this story. Vulnerability, Trust, and Being Real A symbolic picture of submission to authority might be to envision yourself kneeling, head bowed, arms and hands out with the palms open and up. Place your entire self-esteem in those open palms, and you have a picture of complete vulnerability. That’s what it’s like to lovingly present a tough feeling to a spouse – one you’re embarrassed to admit exists, one that only compounds an already brewing feeling of insecurity. But when that feeling is then lovingly accepted and embraced by a spouse, the foundation of trust between the two of you is reinforced in indelible ways. For it’s built on unconditional love, and that is the bedrock of deeper intimacy. We’ve found that the continual nurturing of this area of our relationship – deep-level trust – then provides a foundation that supports us when we enter tumultuous times. It’s almost as though we’ve written our own living history book on trust, and we can take that out and “read” it whenever we need to. Real trust takes time. We entered our marriage with a naive trust. That simplistic level was based merely on our dating and engagement period and all of our spoken promises, which had yet to withstand the tests that life would bring. But as the years went by, as we weathered the tests of integrity and honesty, as we felt the very real pressures to be what we said we were as we lived our lives before our sons, trust was built, layer upon layer, experience upon experience, failure and hurt upon confession and healing. I (Craig) remember all too well the time when I was released from a job due to financial exigency at the organization where I worked. I’m a conscientious person, one who absolutely desires to do a job well for my family and myself, for the organization I’m employed by, and mostly, for God. I want to provide for Carolyn and my family – not just adequately, but well. So when I began to feel inadequate, powerless, and insecure, I was afraid to face those emotions myself – let alone before Carolyn. All these feelings were in direct juxtaposition to the self-assured image I usually present to others. Likewise, my true inner self is normally secure and confident. Would admitting my feelings of inadequacy make Carolyn feel even more insecure herself? I wondered. Would Carolyn see me as less of a man? Would she still trust in me as a provider? We’d been sharing on Saturday mornings for nearly ten years when this life-changing experience occurred. Tough emotions had been put in the “sapling” of our deep-level trust for enough years to grow it up to the strength of a more mature tree; the responses throughout had been wrapped in unconditional acceptance. This time was no exception. The trust was there, and because of that I had the courage to be honest with Carolyn. Her response? Tenderness and great love. Somehow, though I expected that my revelation would make her feel less secure, she admitted freely that she felt even more secure. By inviting Carolyn into my innermost world, we could now face this challenging and frightening experience as a true team. By trusting her, she returned intimate trust to me. |
Connecting More Deeply With my God: There is great value in the ability ofspouses to be “real” with each other. Obviously, this requires honesty and transparency before God and yourself before you can then be real to your spouse. But if you’re ever going to learn how to be vulnerable and intimate, to build deep trust, to grow as individuals and as a couple in your relationship with God, then you must begin to see yourselves as you truly are. And that, as we all know, takes trust in a God who accepts and loves us just as we are. A suggestion for the holidays: For decades now, Craig and I have enjoyed memorable Christmas Eves as a family by sharing, “This is what Christmas means to me this year.” Want to provide an alternative to the commercialized celebration of our Lord’s birth? Read the Christmas story, turn out the lights except for your tree and several candles, and share our question – you and your spouse sharing first (to give others some time to think!). Then trust the Holy Spirit to do the rest. |