COVID has altered our culture and society in unprecedented and unsettling ways that we never could have envisioned before March 11, 2020. In light of all that change from “old normal” to “present normal” and what we imagine to be the “new normal,” Craig and I believe there’s great value in taking a realistic look at how it’s affecting each of us and our marriage.
We’re not advocating for “naval gazing”—defined as the propensity to concentrate on me to the extent that we’ve little to no outreach for the Kingdom. We’re absorbed in the self-focused motto that “it’s all about me!” Ugh.
Instead, let’s constructively use the epidemic (resulting from the pandemic!) of insecurities that have invaded our homes to discover:
*what my insecurities are driving me to do, possibly subconsciously (I’m not aware of this behavior on a conscious level)
*how that impacts our marriage (unaware how my behavior is affecting us)
These defaults aren’t new: We’ve succumbed to these same behaviors in the past. However, this drawn out and concentrated time of raw insecurity has pressed and played out our default behaviors to a degree we’ve probably never seen before. Which makes them easier to discover, right?! Craig and I freely admit they’re certainly blatant in our home!
To help you better evaluate your Default Buttons, we’ll share ours. Use them as a springboard to discover your own.
Scenario #1: Carolyn’s default button has been activated. She will now attempt to ease her feelings of insecurity by attempts to control…anything that provokes more stress. I.e.: mainly, MESSES, Craig, spills, Craig, doggy messes, Frisco, Craig.
Case Study A – Communication from me (Carolyn):
*Craig, that pan is too small to grill that.
*That plate is too small for that much food.
*(Food crumbs all over table and the floor)
*Carolyn gives Craig THE LOOK
After the crumbs went everywhere, I must point out that I did NOT say anything. I was self-disciplined as I told myself over and over, Do not say anything. Don’t utter one word. KEEP QUIET. I take full responsibility, however, for application of THE LOOK. (It felt almost as gratifying.)
Case Study B – Communication from me:
*Craig, don’t do that.
*Seriously, that’s not funny.
*Your attempts at levity are NOT FUNNY
*Are you intentionally trying to provoke me?
Which leads to….
Scenario #2: Craig’s default button has been activated. He will now seek to ease his feelings of insecurity by attempts to control through organizing (thoughts, others, whatever) and (avoiding emotions) moving immediately to fix/solve the problem.
Case Study C
Communication from Craig in the evening…
*I will work on the newsletter tomorrow morning
*My two defaults are organizing and going right to fix-it mode
Communication from Craig that next morning….
*You want me to do that this morning? I need to get right to school work
*I don’t default to fix-it mode
*We argue over whose idea (to fix) is better
*Yes, we do
*Why are you getting so upset?
*We’re arguing on my defaulting over what you don’t grasp isn’t a default?
INSECURITY * FEARS
Where does your insecurity take you? What’s your default button?
|
