| Let’s go on the offensive. Due to the feelings of heightened insecurity we’re all trying to process during this pandemic, it’s imperative that we: *Protect our own personal integrity, character, morality *Protect our marriage Risk level: Please hear us when we caution that we’re always at risk: it’s a matter of how high that risk might be. And right now, during this incredibly stressful time? The risk is higher for all of us. The signal: Difficult to describe, the signal can be different for varying people, roles, work settings, any social contact venues. Someone might look into your eyes a moment too long. Maybe the signal is that person touching you when it’s not appropriate, or touching you (when it is appropriate) too long or somewhere other than your hand or arm. The signal could also be spoken—some sort of intimacy taken or shared that you’re instantly uncomfortable with. In a number of ways, you note that something’s off and this person is somehow relaying to you that “I am vulnerable; I need/want attention; are you available?” Our response: Scripture speaks to temptations in very plain language: We’re to run in the opposite direction. I Corinthians 6:18 – 20: “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” Jesus further clarified when we may “flee physically,” but are just as guilty because of a sinful thought life: Matthew 5:27-28: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman [or a man] lustfully has already committed adultery with her [him] in his heart.” (Italics for inclusive language, mine) Over the past few decades, workplaces have changed dramatically: More women are in executive leadership positions than ever before. We don’t think that necessarily brings more challenges, but it does call for change—healthy adaptions that address the realities and protect both sexes. And during this pandemic, the workplace has changed yet again: We’re using Zoom/FaceTime/FB Messenger/Microsoft Teams, etc., as we work from home. Excessive screen time adds the temptation of easy access to gaming/porn/inappropriate communication. The internet also provides a number of sites to re-connect with past relationships and to deepen others in inappropriate ways. And these relationships flow from not only work, but also from our neighborhoods, our children’s activities, small groups of various origins, and sadly…our churches. Virtually anywhere we have social contact, someone is quite possibly sending out signals. Craig and I have made a good number of mistakes over the past 47+ years, but one thing we did right: We committed to be pro-active about our relationship. That meant we set systems in place to consistently build and protect our relationship. The following is a list of protections (no significance in the order): 1.Determine to point out potential “unsafe people” in each other’s lives. Craig points out men who make him nervous, and I, women whom I thought he should never be with, alone, in any circumstances. For whatever reason, we had judged those people unsafe, and therefore, potentially dangerous. 2.Agree to accept each other’s opinions and act accordingly—even if I think the man innocent of any impure motives and Craig thinks my judgment’s in error. 3.We schedule a regular time to look into each other’s eyes and state, “I’m keeping no significant secrets from you.” This is part of our yearly anniversary dinner, and we’ve also developed a pattern of repeating this statement whenever we hear of another couple’s unfaithfulness. Hearing this sad news about friends or acquaintances makes me instantly feel insecure, so I need to repeat and hear Craig say also: “I love you. And I’m not hiding anything significant from you.” 4.Craig has a protective policy in place for whenever he needs to meet with a woman one-on-one: *He informs me ahead of time that this will happen *I have veto power! (But I must be reasonable too) *Rarely does he meet for dinner as that feels more like a “date”; lunchtime is preferred *Many appointments are appropriate in his office—closed door *Some office appointments call for an open door, with his executive assistant just outside *Others work better in very public places such as a busy restaurant *Any meals at restaurants add the awareness and constraints of alcohol consumption: It lowers inhibitions. Therefore, any decision to imbibe should be by the strictest of guidelines 5.Rarely do I have a male in our home when I’m home alone. There are exceptions—and Craig knows when these will occur. The opposite for Craig is also true. (Repair personnel don’t count.) We must be pro-active. We must be on guard. Bottom line truth: I can lie to God. I can lie to myself. And I can lie to you, my spouse, and others. Am I living an honest life? Or am I merely inhabiting a life of deception? |
| Questions for you to discuss together: *Do we have protection policies in place in our relationship? How do we feel about being pro-active in this way? *If our answer was no, what do we need to agree to for the specific natures/dynamics of our work places? Churches? Small groups? Neighborhoods? Fitness centers? *Ask each other: Am I adequately protecting you? Why or why not? How can I improve? *Ask each other: Is there someone in my circle of relationships that I worry about? Maybe you can answer this delicate question this way: “_____ makes me feel uncomfortable/insecure.” *Have I pinpointed someone in the past, and you have repeatedly chosen to ignore my intuition and warning? How can we find compromise here? *How can we better offensively protect each other and our relationship? Is there something else we should do?  |