Are You an Assassin? And Is the Target…YOU?

I will never understand or relate to those who intentionally hurt themselves. But then I think…hmmm…am I guilty of this somehow too? What am I routinely doing that harms me? What actions damage Craig and my relationship? What causes discord between my family and/or friends and me? Or worst of all—what am I doing to damage my relationship with my God?

Consider these three fictional scenarios:

1.From a Wounded Wife: My husband once irritably told me that I’m a “needy” person, so I vowed to never tell him anything I needed ever again. It’s been two years now, and though he sometimes asks me what I want or need, I always answer, “Nothing.” I’m definitely proving him wrong!

2.From an Injured Friend: A jacuzzi was a surprise gift from a friend (including one year of care too). This friend asked my wife about giving such a big gift, but he didn’t consult me. I’ve declined to try it because my friend didn’t even ask me—under the guise of wanting it to be a surprise! So even though my wife and adult children are all enjoying it together, I will never join them. I think my plan to teach my supposed friend a lesson is working quite well.

3.From a Troubled Mother: My adult daughter deeply hurt me a couple years ago, so I’ve refused to communicate with her since then. She’s apologized, but doesn’t seem to understand just how much she hurt me! So even though she’s just had a baby, I continue to refuse to see her, her husband—or the new baby. If she comes to me and apologizes sufficiently, I might reconsider and forgive. But until then, I will stick to my convictions, no matter what.

As couples, read each scenario out loud, one at a time. Then discuss these questions:

1.In each scenario, whom do you think is the true victim? Is there more than one? What might this say about our “targets,” our intentions, and the outcomes for situations like this?

2.Do you think the decisions made by the Wife, Friend, and Mother are rational? Why or why not?

3.Do you agree with the Wife, Friend, and Mother’s decisions? If not, what would you counsel them to do differently?

4.Do these situations have a message for me? For us as a couple? What’s the takeaway?

Connecting More Deeply

These scenarios seem over-the-top? Let’s “soften” them this way:

The Wounded Wife: One of you, the offended, is sporting “The Silent Treatment” as punishment on the other. When the offender asks, “What’s wrong?” the other routinely answers,“Nothing!” How does this situation parallel our scenario and its consequences?

The Injured Friend: Is there some sort of acquisition or activity in your family—going camping, hiking, using a kayak or boat, riding a 4-wheeler, using a vacation cabin, whatever—that one of you is refusing to enjoy with the rest of the family, out of some self-conceived conviction? Why are you simply observing the joy when you could enter into the family fun?

The Troubled Mother: Is there someone you—one or even both of you—need to forgive? How is a refusal to forgive, a disagreement, or maybe just a stubborn nature keeping you from the joy of being with family members?

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