Welcome to 2020! Don’t know about you, but the move from life during the holidays back to the real world of daily living is rather a jolt for us! In light of that, and how much we’ve forgotten from way back in November, Craig and I thought a bit of a review was in order. We’ve been exploring our inner worlds, the realm of emotions. And our courage to go there: To admit our emotions exist, to express them in healthy ways, and therefore to gain the skills needed to control them rather than allowing emotions to control us. Then, we asked you to honestly evaluate, “Which of you is better at those skills?” – not to assign blame or weakness, but in an effort to ultimately help you 1.) communicate better and 2.) work at becoming a stronger, genuine team. We discussed the relationship of vulnerability, trust and being real: *vulnerability – Exhibited when I share tough feelings with my spouse, ones I’m embarrassed to admit exist and therefore enhance my feelings of insecurity. But once shared (and my spouse lovingly hears and accepts those), we build… *trust – Part of the foundation of a relationship, anchored in unconditional love, and therefore the bedrock of deeper intimacy. We marry with a naive trust that hopefully builds over time, tests, the hardships and joys of life so that we grow ever closer in our freedom to live with each other while enjoying the benefits of… *being real – The “payoff” for the hard work of marriage! No pretending, facades, performances like in a home that’s unsafe. Do we have problems/issues? Oh, absolutely! But we’ve deposited enough in the “bank” of our relationship that I ultimately accept him as he is….and he accepts me as I am! We can weather the tough times because of that hard work and those beliefs/commitments. Craig told about a time when he needed to share vulnerably with me – an incredibly transparent story. It’s an inspiration to all of us who hesitate to trust in this way, and so I hope you’ll be inspired by reading this once again! I (Craig) remember all too well the time when I was released from a job due to financial exigency at the organization where I worked. I’m a conscientious person, one who absolutely desires to do a job well for my family and myself, for the organization I’m employed by, and mostly, for God. I want to provide for Carolyn and my family – not just adequately, but well. So when I began to feel inadequate, powerless, and insecure, I was afraid to face those emotions myself – let alone before Carolyn. All these feelings were in direct juxtaposition to the self-assured image I usually present to others. Likewise, my true inner self is normally secure and confident. Would admitting my feelings of inadequacy make Carolyn feel even more insecure herself? I wondered. Would Carolyn see me as less of a man? Would she still trust in me as a provider? We’d been sharing on Saturday mornings for nearly ten years when this life-changing experience occurred. Tough emotions had been put in the “sapling” of our deep-level trust for enough years to grow it up to the strength of a more mature tree; the responses throughout had been wrapped in unconditional acceptance. This time was no exception. The trust was there, and because of that I had the courage to be honest with Carolyn. Her response? Tenderness and great love. Somehow, though I expected that my revelation would make her feel less secure, she admitted freely that she felt even more secure. By inviting Carolyn into my innermost world, we could now face this challenging and frightening experience as a true team. By trusting her, she returned intimate trust to me. FUNCTIONING AS A TEAM Building upon our foundation of vulnerability, trust, and being real produces a matching that can make us a useful and strong twosome for God’s purposes. Have you experienced that click? It’s the look you give each other, the intentional meeting of your eyes…when you’re thinking the same thing…the sudden realization that hey, we’re good at this, as a team! Inviting my spouse into my work/ministry arena… Taking the risk to allow him/her into my inner world of emotions… Allowing direct access to my heart. Each step goes a little deeper, intentionally pushing aside my inherent need to protect myself and feel secure. Easily stated, maybe. Not easily done. Where are you and your spouse in this process? Are you at an impasse? Maybe you’re sensing landmines ahead that you want to avoid? Are you consciously/subconsciously putting up roadblocks? If you’re struggling with any of these, most have a common core: putting up boundaries to protect myself. We can work out that need for protection in a number of ways, including: *Because of my dysfunctional home of origin, expression of any deep feelings (or “red light/uncomfortable” feelings) causes me to shut down and push other people out, emotionally *I need to feel secure and be in control, always; expressing or hearing raw feelings negates that and leaves me feeling insecure and thus totally out of control *I view myself as a person of logic and rational thought; I pretty much deny the existence of personal emotions At the beginning of last year, Craig and I did a few newsletters on intimacy – though we rarely used that word. Instead, we phrased it as “the word that strikes fear in the hearts of men”! This next section on sharing emotions is from one of those newsletters. It bears repeating, while remembering that the goal we’re shooting for is becoming an effective team. |
| Connecting More Deeply Sharing guidelines 1. Choose to actively listen by not allowing other thoughts to distract you from what your spouse is saying. 2. Take the opportunity to say, “I know you as you are right now, and I love you just as you are.” 3. Strive to not be a cold, emotional “bystander”: get personally involved. If your spouse is revealing “tough to hear” emotions, try not to react. Instead, attempt to get involved by seeing from your spouse’s perspective. Don’t allow any (previously used) barriers/deflections to keep you from intimately connecting. 4. Give the process of sharing deep feelings as much time as both of you need. Loving patience can produce incredible benefits. Common Emotions/Experiences: Suggestions to Get You There *How your work world feels—how being at your “desk” (i.e.: anything from a real desk for someone at a bank to being home as full-time mom or in the ER for a doctor/nurse, etc.) on a typical day feels. Was your workday especially hard, stressful, discouraging (any number of emotions) today…this week…this year? Describe those feelings. *This situation from your life may recreate what I’m feeling. The more descriptive you can be, the better. Go back and read the story I (Carolyn) shared from our last newsletter, on November 7. You also are “telling your story.” To help you begin, you might want to envision and then begin with this line: “Maybe you felt this way when (you fill in the blanks).” *Draw from: past experiences—ones which you know your spouse had a strong emotional response to, and you think that feeling might be very close to your experience. For example, I could fill in the blanks this way: Describing my difficult writing days…I could reflect that “I think you felt like me when an update to your computer caused every headache imaginable: your passwords wouldn’t work; you couldn’t retrieve your email; and you weren’t able to access the document you’d worked on the day before. You spent hours trying to fix your computer, and what did you have to show for those hours? No working computer. No daily work done. No progress on the document. I think you probably felt angry, exasperated, frustrated, impotent, right? What other feelings did you experience? I think we have a shared experience here!” |
| Craig and I struggled with sharing emotions for years… …until we finally had a breakthrough. Craig realized what we were both missing out on and was motivated to change: “I knew our relationship wasn’t experiencing all that God had for us in marriage. So I decided to trust God and Carolyn. Determined to overcome my personal insecurities of venturing into an area where I knew deep hurt and vulnerability resided, I made that choice. Little did I know how significantly that decision would change my relationship with Carolyn, and my relationship with God.” Laugh for the Day I shared this joke with my son (who was a District Attorney for many years and is now a judge), asking him, “So what do you think about this? You agree?!” A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered,“Call for backup.” My son’s response: “I’d call for the SWAT team.” Gotta admit, that made me smile! |