11.15.2018
“You’re holding a grudge. For your sake, you need to forgive me.”
“You need to just let that go.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Forgive me.”
“Please forgive me.”
“I’m sorry. Forgiven?”
“I’m so sorry I hurt you. Will you please forgive me?”
Seven possibilities. Which one would you choose as the “right” one when you’ve wounded your partner? What’s your “default” line?
Full disclosure here. I (Carolyn) have heard and/or used every one. Not proud of that, since some have been flippantly or judgmentally offered. Now, I attempt to never use them interchangeably or randomly without thinking through my choice. Instead, when I’ve really hurt Craig, I choose the last option—when I’m deciding to be mature, that is. Other times? Eh, not so much.
I have a rare disease which severely limits what I can eat. Traveling is especially tough, and I must consistently say “no” while watching Craig eat all kinds of yummy things. It can be …cruel, pressing me to my limits of self-discipline. On one trip, however, I splurged on chocolate cake that appeared to pass all my restrictions. I was thoroughly enjoying every single bite when Craig quipped, “Wow! Really going after that, aren’t you?!” It felt like a glass of ice water thrown in my face, and what had been so pleasurable was instantly ruined. I put down my fork, and—since we were with another couple—did my best to hold back the tears. But my heart hurt.
With that background, let’s work through those responses by the person who’s wounded another. Note that, first of all, they progress from immature, self-centered comebacks to a mature admittance of guilt.
“You’re holding a grudge. For your sake, you need to forgive me.”
*actually blames the one wounded—in a judgmental way, also
“You need to just let that go.”
*implies that the wounded one shouldn’t need or ask for an apology
“I’m sorry.”
*as easy to toss out as pitching rotten fruit from the fridge
“Forgive me.”
*this is actually a command, an order
“Please forgive me.”
*softened a bit with the addition of please, but a command still
“I’m sorry. Forgiven?”
*admits guilt, but truly expects no response from the hurting one; assumes forgiveness
“I’m so sorry I hurt you. Will you please forgive me?”
*fully accepts the blame; asks and waits for a reply
Let’s agree that the first two responses should be used on rarely—and possibly only in a counselor’s office when someone is holding onto anger in a way that’s damaging an unforgiving soul emotionally, physically and spiritually. “I’m sorry” is the correct comeback for something like spilling a glass of cold water…all over your spouse’s lap. (Been there, done that! It wasn’t intentional, purely an unfortunate accident. Honest.) Ordering someone to forgive rather defeats the whole concept, doesn’t it? And adding please doesn’t cut it either.
Which brings us to “Forgiven?” True humility from a “I have really blown it big time” wounding doesn’t assume forgiveness. Instead, “Will you forgive me?” is a question that asks and waits for an answer. I can’t emphasize enough the need for the one who’s been hurt to respond—whether it’s no (ultimately, not an acceptable response), yes (unqualified) or yes (with explanation).
By “with explanation,” I mean this: When my hurt goes pretty deep, I’ll say something like this to Craig: “I do forgive you. But my feelings haven’t caught up with my decision. Please give me some time since that’s going to take a while.” That’s not a qualification, but a reality statement. I choose to be truthful and real with Craig rather than live in denial—to Craig or myself. My statement is a reminder of the challenge to me also: Often, forgiveness is progressive work.
Now…back to the chocolate cake incident. Craig knew his flippant comment had cut deeply, and he was instantly and genuinely sorry. He asked for forgiveness and I gave him a “yes with explanation.” Life continued; we moved on. Healing mended a torn relationship. When that happens, one of God’s greatest gifts occurs. What has been broken is whole again because of God’s grace, mercy and love—a true miracle every time it happens!
Connecting More Deeply
With my God: Which of those phrases do I use when I ask God to forgive me? Do I need to seriously evaluate my choice….and change?
With my spouse: What do I usually say when I’ve hurt my spouse? Do I agree that there’s a significant difference between the responses? Why or why not?
Can you remember the last time you hurt or were hurt by your spouse? How did your (and his or her) responses affect the outcome? Do you need to double back and complete a still somewhat raw, unfinished process?
With my community: How we ask for forgiveness is equally important in this arena. No, we don’t need to ask and wait for an answer when we’ve run into someone on the street. A genuine “Oh, I’m so sorry!” is all that’s called for. But we dare not lessen the impact of our responses to all those around us, and those especially outside the family of God. What experiences can you share?
Leader’s Corner: Bring a number of scenarios from real life in which you discuss (as a class) giving the various responses. Ask class members for suggestions too—and personal examples which have proved effective for restoration. And not effective. Discuss how to match seeking forgiveness with responses that allow Christ to be seen through us.