The Confession: Emotions—too often they’re the bane of my existence! I can hear you thinking: Carolyn, you’ve committed a cardinal sin. One with crystal-clear boundaries, which I have obviously crossed. As a woman, how dare I admit to sometimes having out-of-control emotions? And to be moody? Seriously? Yes. Let’s go there—women AND men. Because sometimes…wait for it…sometimes MEN can be the moody partner in a relationship. So there. I put that unmentionable fact out there too! The Reality: Here’s my confession, direct, plain, and to the point: I allow my emotions to control me too often. For instance, in this scenario, it was a Friday, and I was so looking forward to the afternoon off with Craig. But then he came rushing/charging into the house, anxious to get clothes changed and on our way. Instantly, I’m ticked. We had the entire weekend ahead of us, and I saw NO reason to rush. Note to self time: Grrrrr…he makes me so angry when he does this! But I’ve looked forward to Friday all week. Will I give my feelings permission to plant themselves, ruining our afternoon together? Make a decision, Carolyn. I suppose it was about another twenty minutes of inner struggle, but Craig chilled. And so did I. Heaven help us if Craig had picked that same day to be a jerk. Can you picture that train wreck? Who among us can’t admit to sometimes rampaging emotions? (We have cameras in your homes. I saw when you learned what untrue gossip your supposed “friend” had said about you. And how you responded when your football team fumbled the ball. On the one-yard line. It wasn’t pretty.) Here’s the kicker: If you’re the type who ignores/denies that his/her feelings exist, guess what happens? They control you all the more. You give those emotions total control when you deny their existence. And once those beasties are given free reign, they can be lethal—to you and everyone around you. The Response: We have a fighting chance to get emotions under control only when we admit their existence, register when they happen, and then realize—Eureka! I have a choice here. I initially learned that lesson decades ago when Craig had an exciting offer to teach at another school. But when Craig—in his desire to be a person of integrity—informed our current academic dean, he insisted Craig was absolutely essential to our current college. So, we stayed. Almost exactly one year later—when the school had an entirely new administrative team—Craig was the first one released for financial reasons. Suddenly we were no longer essential, it appeared. The job offer from a year before was long gone…as was my trust in administrations. Jump ahead to one year later, when we were back in the pastorate and loving our ministry. But my heart? It was still mired in the hurt and anger over how the college had treated us. Craig was also in distress, so after some professional counseling, he helped me grasp that Eureka! principle mentioned earlier. I was still acting as though I’d invited that administration right into our home, granting control of my thoughts, heart, and will. It hit me—I was the dupe here, allowing them to dominate me like that, still. The realization that I had a choice finally dawned on me. I needed to symbolically kick those men out, so I purged them along with the accompanying emotions. I was so done with being a victim! The Parameters: Frankly, I don’t know that there are any, because the Eureka! principle can be applied to the larger events in our lives (like the major life change described above) or to the smaller, everyday irritations of a Prius planted in the left lane of an expressway, going ten miles per hour under the speed limit. (Doesn’t that just drive you crazy?) I have learned to actually say to myself, “Carolyn, take a deep breath. Let it go. Don’t grant these feelings control over you.” Easily done? Nope, and I fail to maturely choose far too often. But if I do take my anger home and into our relationship, then it’s highly likely that I’ll hear the familiar line from Craig that goes, “I need you to make a decision….” |
| Connecting More Deeply With my God: When God created us in his image, part of his artistry was blessing us with the gift of emotions. (For an interesting study, research how many times God interacts with his people by expressing his feelings.) Far too often, however, we designate “red light” emotions as bad or sinful (i.e., angry, frightened, weary), while only “green light” emotions are okay and acceptable (happy, courageous, enthusiastic). Isn’t it true, however, that in the instant a feeling happens—the exact moment you become aware that you’re angry/frightened/whatever—you had no ability to erase that feeling before it happened? Assigning morality to those red light emotions serves no purpose, and focusing on attempts to prevent feelings can leave one frustrated and/or mired in useless guilt. Instead, we need to put our energies towards our thought life, tongue, and actions afterward. With my spouse: When we’re in a season of life when conflict/tension/worry are relentlessly pressing on us, it feels like I’m either asking myself to make a decision…or Craig’s asking me to make a decision! I tend to view those seasons as evidence of weakness or failure; on the contrary, that’s actually a sign of health. We’re in “survival mode” at those times, and we’re fighting for our relationship. If this sounds familiar, then be encouraged: You’re also working and succeeding at keeping your union strong. Eventually, life will move on…change…become lighter again. And the benefits of that hard work will hopefully mean your friendship is deeper. You’ve been putting deposits in your marriage’s “bank account.” Question for discussion together: Where are we today in that life cycle? |
| Deeper Yet Consider sharing with your spouse, each of you answering this question: Do I have unresolved feelings of guilt/anger/hurt/whatever from a past experience? Is there something I need to say or do? Or is this a Eureka! opportunity for me, when I need to make a decision to let whatever go? It will take dedicated effort on your part, plus reading the Word and much prayer, to discover your next step to healing. And if you need more help, consider professional counseling. |