Who, ultimately, makes the decisions in your home?
What happens if/when you disagree?
Who functions as the tie-breaker?
Or…who holds the power to veto?
Maybe you’ve got those issues figured out. All your disagreements have been settled, fairly amicably. But at some point, you will disagree in a way that pits the two of you in a tenacious battle of wills. It’s the nature of being human.
I don’t know where you and your spouse are on the spectrum of “authority in the home,” that imaginary line that stretches from husband…to both, equally…to wife (setting aside the old joke that he’s the head, but she’s the neck). But Easter’s theme extends tentacles from the cross right into our homes if we practice a life of sacrifice. Let’s jump into the fray by first reading Ephesians 5:21-33. Yes, that portion of Scripture. And then I’ll share what Craig says in our book on marriage, Faith Tango: A Liberating Approach to Spiritual Growth in Marriage:
I (Craig) intentionally began quoting with verse 21, for after many years of personal study, I believe that is the opening thesis…for Paul’s subsequent discourse. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” sets the tone for the instructions to all the pairings he then lists…This verse sets a context that totally encompasses and directs the application. How and why do we submit? Out of reverence for Christ…
This call to submission, therefore, means that out of an expression of love, we voluntarily give up our rights in the interest of serving others sacrificially. That sets the tone for all that follows…We must ask, “What does submission look like for the wife?” And then, “What does it look like for the husband?” In no way did Paul intimate that only the wife submits while the husband does not. The way in which biblical submission works is expressed in differing forms, but each partner is called to a life of sacrificial giving in marriage.
This passage’s primary thrust is not about structure and authority; instructions for one to rule while the other obeys; or the “chain of command” in the home. That is an off-focus approach to a treatise that begins with, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Too many husbands—and I (Craig) must admit to having done this in the past—have twisted and corrupted Paul’s words, using them as verbal clubs to assert authority in the home as the “head.” The tone and attitude directed by Paul is the exact opposite: We husbands are to be living in humble sacrifice, not in dominating authority. |
Homework?!
As a couple, work through this case study….
A job offer—all the way across the country to Colorado. Craig was so excited he was about to break out in a happy dance. Me? Not so much. The position was another exec pastor ministry—smaller church, less staff, and my bucket was already full from Craig’s current job. It’s a tough position, keeping a reasonable peace between the senior pastor and the rest of the staff, representing both fairly to each other. Taking all the conflict that is intentionally directed to the exec pastor’s desk. (What else does he have to do anyway?) One Sunday morning when Craig preached, several came to him and asked where he pastored. AURGHHH. My dedicated husband walked a constant tightrope and didn’t receive the notice or appreciation or salary anywhere near the stress and time and energy it pulled from him. I was DONE. Yet now this amazing church in wonderful Colorado wanted fantastic Craig. Blah, blah, blah.
Craig wanted to move yesterday. I so wanted to say forget this: move on.
We were so not on the same page.
Put yourselves in our shoes. Where do you go from here? What would YOU do?
Find out what we did in our next newsletter….
Leader’s Corner
Lead a discussion about the word submission. First, discuss what the word means – and what it doesn’t mean. What negative connotations does it carry? What word might be a better substitute – or should we not do that, according to the meaning and instruction in Ephesians 5? Talk about ways you can lead couples to write their own “submission goals” for marriage. Guide them in designing general guidelines….and specifics.
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