In-Laws or Out-Laws? Part 3 Prepare Like Your Life Depends on It! (Since It Might)

Talk about a trifecta:
COVID
The holidays
In-laws (They’re baa-ack!)It could be you’re excited to see your in-laws—all your relatives this year. Because 2020 has taught us—if nothing else—that we should cling to what has meaning in this world. God’s promises. Relationships. Family. Connections with those we love.Still…the holidays could backfire all too quickly. We’re so excited to be with beloved family members that we forget what a picky eater YOUR dad can be. Or that YOUR mother makes those “Bless your heart” remarks—which we all recognize as a sneaky way to land a snarky comment! And yes, the kids never behave to a level that pleases your folks OR mine. (So whose kids DO behave when every molecule in them is hyper-uber-wired about Christmas?)Maybe some realistic expectations are in order? Especially for THIS year?

1.Set boundaries
Even if you’ve struggled with these for years, you can always begin anew.
As always…choose your battles. Is this issue truly that important?
If so, then plan ahead. Think through. Be prepared.Guidelines:
A rule of thumb: Our home; our rules
You don’t have the right to dictate as much in another’s home
Stay calm, keep composed – re-state but don’t react
Try to NOT get drawn into an argument
Not getting anywhere? Change subject: Move on!
Prepare for the next time

2.Keep family routines, but plan to invite in-laws
Helps children to stay in routines; they’re more calm—you probably are also!
However, invite grandparents to join you when appropriate
Evaluate, adjust for realistic schedules at holidays

3.Schedule fun times for all of you…for just them…for just you
Something you’ve wanted to do/visit? Kids want to do/see?
Enjoy with the grands!
If your in-laws ask to do an activity, try to accommodate them, if possible
Possibly the best gift you give them, whether they recognize that or not
However, you also need time to be apart, breathe!
Don’t hesitate to give yourself a “solo break” if needed

4.Whatever you can…keep simple
Stock up on favorites—theirs and your family’s—because it’s Christmas!
Make ahead (and freeze) meals for easy preparation
Don’t stress over décor, fancy tables, immaculate house
Do whatever ahead of time—leaving more time for simply enjoying family

5. Rehearse any confrontation and/or responses to “hot” questions/comments
Craig and I used this valuable technique before parental visits for years. I simply don’t think well “on my feet,” while Craig’s brain moves at (enviable) lightning speed. (Give me my computer and fifteen minutes, however, and I’ll have one great comeback!)

Only you two know the pointed remarks or actions from parents that have goaded you into retorts—and then, all-out conflict. Here are a few comments to help you identify common themes:

*We sure wish you’d move to beautiful ___ where we live. Why not look for jobs there?
*Wish we could all vacation together.
*But we only bought all these toys because we love our grandchild so much!
*I don’t understand why anyone needs to be a vegetarian – is it even healthy?
*Can’t the children stay up a little later? Just while we’re here?
*I wouldn’t have chosen this style of décor.

Evaluate/discuss with your spouse: What’s behind those comments/questions? What needs are being expressed in this way? Can you attempt to pour into your in-laws lives in a way that touches those needs—and yet still holds to your values/priorities? (Note: Those needs might be bottomless, and only satisfied by God. In that case? You’re mostly off the hook—except for some empathy on your part. Genuine rather than fake preferred!)

6.Consider sending an email/letter; then, possibly discuss before the holidays
Reasons to try:
Communication styles especially dysfunctional
You and/or in-laws tend to bring unspoken expectations
Cultural/political/social/economical/etc. differences create conflict

This has a possibility to work ONLY if:
You and your spouse can agree on sending…and content
Receiving parents are receptive enough to read and discuss, without volatile anger
Writing has a reasonable possibility of making the situation better—NOT worse

This email might address:
Request that parents call before all visits rather than surprise drop-ins
If political discussions (or any other topics) result in conflict, ask that the subject (for all) be declared taboo
Suggest guidelines for the Grands (could include issues like size and number of gifts; who disciplines children’s behavior; censored subjects around them and then suggestions for positive topics)

Your Mother!

My mom had lived through the Great Depression, and though she wasn’t on the level of hoarding that my grandfather was, she was intent on never wasting anything. And I mean anything. So one year when Craig and I had hosted my parents for Thanksgiving, Mom nearly hyper-ventilated when I started to throw out the water in which we’d boiled a ham.
“Wait! Don’t toss that—you can use it for something!” she exclaimed.
“I doubt that. And I don’t have room for it in my refrigerator anyway.”
“You should use it,” she insisted. “And it’s so cold, we can just put it out in the garage for now. It’ll be perfectly fine out there.”
I wasn’t up for an argument, so I caved. We stored it on a shelf in the garage…and promptly forgot about it.
Until that next summer, after our temps had been in the upper 80’s for weeks. And I heard Craig yell, “YOUR MOTHER!!”
I’m pretty sure we pitched the “growths” AND the pan.(Let me just add a few of the positives of my mom’s frugality: I learned to save and use the drippings from baking a roast in my crockpot; I get that last little bit of tomato paste out of the can by adding some hot water; and I stick that last sliver of soap onto the new bar. Thanks, Mom; how I miss you!)

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