Honey, guess what? My parents are coming! A series Craig and I’ve been enjoying has a middle-aged couple with four kids….the assumed chaos and issues that come with a “normal” household….but overall, a generally healthy marriage. Until the wife’s mother comes to visit. The husband quips to his friend: “It’s a disaster at home. Even the mice are throwing themselves on the traps!” In-laws! Just that one word can produce a boatload of jokes, thoughts, responses, and a myriad of feelings like those registered on the face of the woman above. Too many of us gleefully and naively entered marriage with this false perspective: No, I don’t get along great with his/her parents. So what? I’m not marrying them! Technically, no. Realistically? More than we ever imagined. We also couldn’t have imagined the complex multitude of reasons why the relationship with our in-laws isn’t what we’d hoped it would be…or is even much worse, continually heading south. But what we want to center on for this first stab at the issue is this: How much am I contributing to the dysfunction? Oh, we hear that defensiveness! The mis-direction! The deflection! Don’t for a moment think Craig and I haven’t experienced every bit of that. We’ve been married over 47 years, people! So let’s begin with some basic suggestions for what you can do NOW—before another visit is even on the calendar—to begin taking steps in a healthy direction. (Craig and I wrote this before COVID landed in our homes and families, so that’s another boatload of emotions and insecurities to manage. So we may need this tutorial more than ever!) Get out your paper and pens because it’s…. QUIZ TIME 1.Do you feel angst whenever you announce/hear “my parents are coming to visit”? 2.Do you need to emotionally prepare yourself and/or your spouse for a visit from either set of parents? 3.Are you pretty much constantly on edge when your/his/her parents come to your home? 4.Do you get short/angry with your spouse during a visit? Is that a given for the duration? 5.Do you spend more time away from home (at work, exercising, with friends, etc.) when your in-laws visit? 6.On a scale of: –unlivable…barely livable…livable…somewhat positive…positive…exceptionally positive– where does your relationship with your in-laws rank? 7.Does your relationship with your in-laws feel like a competition in any way? If so, what are you competing for? 8.What role do your children play? Are they allowed to simply be children and grandchildren, or are they caught in the middle? Do they become referees? Negotiators? Pawns? Manipulation tools? Other? 9.How are you continually/habitually contributing to any tension? How are you “feeding” the dysfunctional triangle of in-laws, spouse, you? 10.Circumspectly, prayerfully…where do you judge the greatest “breakdown” is? Your spouse? Your parents? Your spouse’s parents? Or with you? |
Connecting More Deeply with my God: Do you consider yourself a victim in this relationship with your in-laws? Because if you do, you’re not likely to make positive change. If you view yourself as a child of an all-powerful God who gives you the wisdom and strength to make choices, then you CAN effect change. It all begins with you—and how transparent/real/blatantly open you can be with your God, allowing him to reveal areas in your life where you are contributing to the problem. You don’t believe you’re doing anything wrong? Then we’re right back to square one: you’re a victim. You’re powerless. Check out “For more help” below to access ideas for practical and workable solutions for dysfunctional relationships. with my spouse: First and foremost, you two are on the same team. Your loyalties lie with him or her, first, and you need to make choices with that priority in mind. More about this in coming newsletters, but at this time…make this your mantra: My spouse and I are on the same team! |
For more help…  Ironically, in the Williford home for the first 25+ years of our marriage, it was my relationship with my parents that caused us the most angst. I generally describe it this way: I didn’t go through a “normal” teen-aged emotional-separation-from-parents stage until I was in my 40’s. A little late, eh? Yeah, it was rough. I describe that angst as affecting us because the emotional outbursts splashed over onto Craig too. He was left to slowly, but surely, help me learn how to grow up, quite frankly. To act as an autonomous adult. And most importantly…as one who no longer was totally dependent upon needing her parents’ approval. We’ll address that in more detail in coming newsletters, but you might begin asking yourself now: How much do I still need my parents’ approval? A book that was invaluable in illustrating how I was contributing to the problem—I was absolutely a part of the “dance” of our dysfunctional relationship—was The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner. A disclaimer: This isn’t a Christian book. At the same time, Dr. Lerner was obviously blessed with wisdom in the “it rains on the just and the unjust” vein; her insight into dysfunctional triangles in relationships is enlightening and empowering. She gave me the practical information and tools to change an unhealthy communication style into a positive one (for me, at least!) that transformed me and my relationship with my parents. I grew up. Finally! And I learned to love my parents unconditionally for who they are…and where they are as people. Ultimately, isn’t that what we ask of our children too as they become independent adults? A couple more disclaimers: Your relationship with in-laws may already be good, and especially by comparisons with others. But certainly there’s still room for improvement, right? Secondly, your relationship may never progress to the level that you’d hoped for, or even one that’s somewhat tolerable. But again, you can make changes that at least afford a slight tick in the right direction. Even if only from your perspective! Just for a Laugh A man is driving with his wife in the front passenger seat and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won’t leave the man alone. His mother-in-law badgers, “You’re driving too fast! Slow down! What’s the speed limit here anyway?” His wife nags, “Stay more to the left! You almost hit that sign! Are you even using your mirrors?” After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, “Who’s driving this car—you or your mother?”  |