“My parents are coming to visit!”
Spoken response: “Oh, super. It’s been too long since we’ve seen them.”
(picture: Top row, second from left)
“My parents are coming. To visit!”
Spoken response: “Oh, okay. But for how long?”
(picture: Second row, far right)
“My parents are coming. To visit.”
Silent thoughts: “Oh no. Weren’t they just here?”
(picture: Top row, fourth from left. Or far right. Maybe fourth row, first?)
“My parents are coming to visit.”
Silent thoughts: “So whenever that is? I’ll be out of town. Booking that trip NOW.”
(picture: Oh, we have options…second row, second or third; third row, first; fifth row, first)
Can you hear the undertones of those nuanced announcements? Any of those been used in your home? Maybe you’ve used more than one—even all four at various stages of life?!
Before we get into any specifics, however—areas of tension that our last newsletter’s quiz may have helped you identify—let’s focus on foundational relationship issues.
Connecting…with a Firm Foundation
1. Focus on what you can change: YOU
If you’re blaming a system outside of yourself, you’re a victim and can’t change.
If you’re putting all the blame on your in-laws/parents, you’re still a victim.
If you’re blaming your spouse, you’re stuck again…as a victim.
However…if you take responsibility first and foremost for yourself, then you have the power to change.
Still doubting you bear any responsibility? Refer to our last newsletter and the recommendation to read The Dance of Anger. Whether you’re aware of it or not, you’re in a relationship “dance.” Discover your role in that dance, and you’ve grabbed onto hope to effect change.
The flip-side of that emphasis: Give up efforts to change your in-laws/parents
Ultimately, you can’t change anyone but yourself and how you respond in a relationship. Therefore, pinning your hopes on forcing changes in your in-laws will only leave you feeling frustrated, angry, hopeless. It may sound like a subtle distinction, but there’s a huge difference in focusing on how you respond to them rather than focusing on your in-laws themselves. The more effective you are at making those changes, the greater the potential to see that relationship change.
From the Williford’s past…
Holiday gift exchanges were tense. My tastes in clothes were different from my mom’s, but she wanted me to wear the same styles she did. Every year, as I opened yet another outfit…if I expressed any negatives about the clothes at all…her responses went like this: “I spent so much time picking that out for you. I just can’t believe you don’t like it!”
For years, I reacted in one of two ways: I’d keep whatever it was, telling myself I might wear it. (Not gonna happen—which left me feeling hypocritical.) Or, I’d try reasoning or arguing. (Talk about an exercise in futility—this was not about logic!) Needless to say, both kept the “dance” going for years.
Eventually, I decided this sad routine had to change. I consulted with Craig, and then actually rehearsed my responses with him—practicing how to keep calm, reply appropriately to Mom’s comments, reassure her of my love, and finally, pro-actively move on rather than belabor the subject. (I.e.: “I’m sorry this isn’t my taste, Mom, though I can understand why you’d like it. I also realize you spent valuable time and money choosing this for me—and I appreciate that so much! I love you, and I hope you can accept that this just isn’t my style. I really do love these earrings, though!”) The first time I attempted this new communication technique? It wasn’t particularly smooth, nor was it completely successful. But I got better as the years went by, and slowly but surely, “the dance” evolved. My determination to change me and my response led to less tension at holidays – and that was a good thing for everyone!
2. Always remember: You two are on a team, the same team
Don’t allow this situation to separate you and your spouse. You’re facing an uphill battle anyway, and that faulty perspective only makes the challenge that much harder.
Another important facet of this perspective is that the “opponent” you’re attempting to defeat is the problem itself—not your in-laws. Like revenge, a “win” against your in-laws ultimately only causes more heartache. Instead, by an act of your will, focus on the problem, and intentionally choose the goal of an improved and stronger relationship with them.
Impossible? Nope. Tough challenge? Absolutely.
We choose to believe you’re up to the task.
3. Together, as a couple, identify areas of greatest need for change
You’ve heard the wise adage: “Choose your battles.” Generally, that advice relates to your children, but it’s equally applicable to parents and in-laws. The patterns/routines you’re facing can range from mild irritation to intense anger, but for your first attempts, focus on those hovering at the top of your “intensity level.” Others with significantly less impact on you two? Choose to let them slide. (You can always address those later if they begin to rise to the top!)
To help you identify what issues are worth your time and energy, also consider:
What negative feelings are lingering far longer than the actual visit?
Are those feelings splashing over onto your spouse, children, others?
Have you resorted to blaming your spouse?
Are you and your spouse arguing more frequently because of his/her parents?
Over what, specifically?
Are you dreading visits/holidays?
What are the core issues causing the upheaval in your lives?
Also from the Williford’s past…
My in-laws would rarely let us know what time they’d arrive for a visit—and more importantly, what day they’d leave to go home. I was so frustrated with that; how on earth was I to know how many meals to be prepared to make? How much food to have on hand for breakfasts and lunch?
So did I calmly ask them about their itinerary, explaining my dilemma? Of course not. I griped at Craig! Eventually, however, we learned that Craig’s folks never expected me to prepare meals for them like a hotel restaurant. They were delighted with anything I made for a sit-down meal. And they were more “snackers” for breakfast and lunch, not requiring any preparation at all on my part. So yes…eventually we grew more bold about directly asking, “How long will you be able to stay with us?” putting that question in a more positive light, rather than a “When are you leaving?” demand/hint! I stocked up on what food I thought we’d need…and did my level best to simply enjoy their visit.
Because We All Need to Laugh
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied. “In-laws.”
At a magic show, after one particularly amazing trick, someone called out, “Wow, how did you do that?”
“I would tell you,” answered the magician predictably, “but then I’d have to kill you.”
After a moment’s pause the same voice asked, “Can you tell my mother-in-law?”
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