| Wives on the Hot Seat: Be Realistic, Be Honest, Be Courageous Pop quiz time! Read and write out your answers separately, and then compare. Where are you two not on the same page? What blesses and nourishes me will in turn bless my husband Do I truly believe this? Does my husband believe this? Why or why not? What does this mean? An example might be…? My husband makes practical sacrifices for me to flourish. Choose: Regularly? Often? Sometimes? Rarely? Never? Give positive examples, if you can. List “I wish he’d do this” requests. I realize I need to do my part—I need to discover and choose what will fulfill a need in me. And it can’t be an unrealistic, unattainable choice. True or false: I’m in process or have achieved a passion/goal during our marriage. If not, why hasn’t this happened? Which one of us is the roadblock? How? Could both of us be partially responsible? How do we “fix” this? I sacrifice for my husband when need be….and he sacrifices for me when needed. True or false? Give examples of both. If false…what’s breaking down? Where are we failing to follow through? My heart really desires and needs to _____. As my husband and partner, will you please take the first step to help me make that happen by _______. Do I judge that I can be honest about this desire? Why or why not? Am I being reasonable in my request? What do I hope to gain? I understand and accept that happiness is a decision. Do I regularly decide/choose to be happy/content? Only when things are going well? Or have I developed the emotional strength to choose contentment in my soul…when the “stuff of life” can be messy? |
| Wives, Make Decisions like You Matter! Growing up during the years when second-wave feminism emerged and became wildly popular meant that I heard a number of messages, including this myth. Leaders of the movement insisted that two people could never survive a marriage. The one who’d unquestionably lose the most of his/her selfhood? We wives, of course. Currently, even in an age when women vie for our country’s presidency, we’re still struggling to bust the glass ceilings, receive equal pay, and abolish other assorted inequalities in the real world But what about in the home? We’ve made significant progress, yet at the same time, I think the “swallowing” may have donned disguises as it becomes more subtle, less easily defined, and in some instances, may mean that the less dominant personality in danger of disappearing could actually be the husband. So even as we direct this newsletter towards wives, your relationship may need to ignore the headings and flip the questions/responses to the husbands instead. One major lesson I’ve learned from hard-earned wisdom: If I continually view myself as a victim, I will remain firmly entrenched right there. As a victim, I am powerless to change. But if I believe I can throw off this helplessness, I see choices before me. I can make life-changing decisions. And I can assert power into the spaces of my life where I was once floundering. |
| Wives: Connecting More Deeply Be HONEST *Am I being honest about my deepest feelings in relation to my role in our family? Am I admitting my deepest feelings to myself? My husband? My God? To discover the truth: Consider fasting for a day, seeking God in the quiet. Look deep into your soul to find the feelings behind your more obvious surface feelings. What do those covert feelings reveal about your needs for love, self-worth, belonging, and autonomy? What does your discovery say about you? What do YOU need to change, beginning today? Be honest. Be REALISTIC *Have I been seeking more than my family can give? Demanding above what my husband can offer? Envying beyond my skill set, time limitations, and practical applications? Do I need to adjust my desires for my current career or new vocation? To discover the balance: After a time in prayer and seeking God’s will, invite your family (or just your husband) to a meeting. Be open and realistic yourself, and then encourage your family members to share their honest thoughts and feelings about your goals for the future. Ask for specific support to meet your objectives; you may be pleasantly surprised how willing they all are to help you succeed! What is your family saying to you? Trying to say? Not saying that’s equally revealing? Be realistic. Be COURAGEOUS *If I’ve tried to make changes in the past but failed, what do I need to do differently this time? What small steps do I need to make first? Am I conscious of wise timing, reasonable requests, and reachable goals? To discover the courage to ask for change: Stop thinking of yourself as a victim and begin seeing yourself as having an autonomous, legitimate voice. Take a good amount of time to pray and think through your “asks.” What consequences will there be for you and your family? Practice sharing your feelings rather than blaming or attacking; staying calm rather than confrontational; and presenting factual results rather than wishful ideas. Choose a wise time to present your outcomes and requests. Seriously evaluate – Do I really want change? Am I willing to make the sacrifices necessary for real change to happen? Be courageous. REVIEW AGAIN if needed: Craig’s view on submission: Find it in an earlier newsletter on my website under “I’m the Boss versus Sharing Decisions Equally versus Sacrificial Submission.” He’s convinced that both wives and husbands are called upon to submit—to sacrifice for the sake of the family, as God directs. Ephesians 5 doesn’t paint a picture of nor advocate for a tyrant making rules for his wife and children to follow. Quite the contrary, the description of the husband’s submission is a sacrifice likened to Christ giving himself for the church. Do we need to repeat that? The husband is to sacrifice to the level of Christ’s sacrifice for the church. That’s a pretty high bar to reach for! |