When Craig and I shared the 3-part series on our broken sex life (mid-February – March newsletters), we candidly admitted that was one of the two times our marriage hit its lowest points. The other precarious period occurred when we were thoroughly invested in our first full-time ministry. Craig was a popular youth pastor; I was intent on being a great pastor’s wife. The problem? We were not a team. Not even remotely on our radar, as we simply didn’t know how. I was pregnant with our second son and struggling with anemia and constant infections when my parents offered, “Come to Florida to rest and soak up some sun. We’ll get you healthy!” So Robb and I (he was 2 at that time) traveled to St Petersburg. We assumed one week would do the trick, but when I wasn’t much better by day 6, my folks and I considered my staying another week. I had been pampered, spoiled, and waited on by my dad and mom the entire time. In contrast, Craig had provided little to none of that kind of attention at home. He had a phenomenal youth group that we both loved, and was totally preoccupied pastoring them—I understood that, and mostly accepted it. But when I called Craig to ask about staying in Florida for another week, I recall being a bit hurt with how quickly he agreed to my staying. And then I remember thinking, “I don’t know if I ever want to go home.” Just thinking that was startling to me. I did stay in Florida another week, feeling better physically by then. But emotionally? I felt adrift and alone. Just how far apart were we? Months later several teens were at our home, the parsonage, right next door to the church. They needed something in Craig’s office, so off they all charged—Craig leading the pack, the kids in tow, and me, bringing up the rear, trying to keep up. But I couldn’t, and when they sprinted around the back where Craig unlocked a door, everyone poured in. I reached for the handle a second too late. The door made that familiar clicking sound, and I was locked out. I stood there a moment, thinking…hoping that Craig would notice I was missing. One minute…two and more went by; by then I was frustrated and embarrassed. Hurrying around to the front of the church—where I hoped to find an unlocked door—I walked in, heard the laughing coming from Craig’s office, and promptly pushed my way in, announcing, “I was locked out! Didn’t you notice?” Craig’s reaction? A nonchalant, distracted, “Oh, sorry,” before he and the teens were right back on task with whatever they were doing. That locked door was a stark picture of where we were at that time in our lives and ministry. Craig was inside, doing his thing, possibly becoming one of the best youth pastors ever—I’ll grant him that. But I was locked out, separate, alienated, not a purposeful part of a functioning team. Boy, did that hurt. Have you been there? Are you in a marriage…but feeling alone? Where are you and your spouse? If you’ve felt that same kind of pain, then you might not be functioning as a real, unified team. Whether you’re in full-time ministry or not, being a team is equally important, and possible, in both situations. What does functioning as a team look like? At church: When you two volunteer, you intentionally take on positions that you can do as a couple. One example: working in the nursery. From your own experiences of tag-teaming kids, it’s easier when you two volunteer for that duty together. Other examples: *deacon – You can share responsibilities, including hospital calls, delivering meals, caring for church members in a multitude of ways *committee members – From “Greeters” to “Worship” to “Wednesday Evening Work-shops,” if you both have interests in a specific area, you can double your gift to the church. Have you known the joy of serving God, as a team? At home: Whether you have a small, medium, or major project to tackle, you discuss the process and then share the workload, together. Specific examples: *home remodel/repair/renovate – From the very beginning of your dreams, you work together to design, purchase supplies, and work together. *spring projects – Anything from garage sale to planting a garden to cleaning out the garage, you tackle the easiest to the dirtiest as a couple. (NOTE: Functioning as a team does NOT mean that one is the “boss” and the other merely waits on/fetches for the boss! Work is equally/practically shared while individual, recognized talents pull rank!) Have you known the fulfillment of completing a major home project, together? Functioning as a team is two-fold. The first is covered in this newsletter—the above examples and countless more pro-active choices to work together as a unit. The second, however, is a bit more elusive, and less easily defined. But it’s the feeling that we are one, together. We’ll get to that dynamic in the next newsletter. We realize you may be skeptical still, and questioning, “Where are you going with this, Craig and Carolyn? What’s the benefit? And is it truly worth the hassle?” Hang in there with us, okay?! Look for a Pop Quiz under “Newsletters” for October 17. It’s designed to help you better evaluate your lifestyle choices. And then, why not read and share “Connecting More Deeply” over a just-the-two-of-you dinner. Or after the kids are in bed. Better yet: Ask another couple to watch your kids so you can have a date night. Then, you watch their kids for your friends’ date night! Whatever works out, please give “Connecting More Deeply” some time and energy. It won’t be wasted… |
| Connecting More Deeply With my God: Craig and I find encouragement in transparently dialoguing on how God made us different—and how we then fit together. Craig’s more a “let’s get right to fixing the problem” while I’m “Ms. Empathy, so let’s just hang out here in our emotions for a while.” If we concentrate on our differences in isolation, we grate on each other. But when we accept those as God-given, we see how we fit together to be a team that’s more skillfully used by God. Counseling hurting couples, making hospital calls, guiding and mentoring staff—I judge we are simply more used and useful when we lean into God’s design for Craig and Carolyn. What about you two? How do you uniquely “fit”? With my spouse: Does that mean all of our unique traits and gifts are meant to fit together perfectly? If you’ve been married more than a few months, then you know the obvious answer to that one! Consider this: What’s the working dynamic that sets the winning team apart? They work together in a multitude of ways, and one of those is assigning specific roles to those with the needed talents. The “calm under pressure sure-shot” takes the last shot in basketball when the score’s tied. The best left-handed relief batter comes into the baseball game when that’s the pitcher’s weakness. And a soccer team skillfully runs down the field, players selflessly passing the ball until finally, the designated player takes the ball to the goal. Shoots. And scores! Teamwork, selfless behaviors, recognition of the other’s gifts—all those come into play (pun intended!) in a couple’s commitment to work side-by-side. What gifts do you recognize and appreciate in each other? How have (or can) you use those to tag-team with each other? |
| Uncommon Fears? Halloween is my least favorite holiday, but there’s no getting around the focus on scary things at this time of year. So maybe putting names to our fears has benefit? From the trusty Costco magazine: Katsaridaphobia – fear of cockroaches Astraphobia – fear of lightning Chrometophobia – fear of money Spectrophobia – fear of mirrors and one’s own reflection Ablutophobia – fear of bathing And my personal favorite… Arachibutyrophobia – fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth! (Suggestion: Impress someone today with your knowledge of these words!) Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? |