A Christian’s testimony should be a fluid thing: If I’m truly growing and stretching and sometimes aching (resisting? resenting? admittedly rebelling sometimes too?) in the process, then my testimony should mirror the same struggle. Before Robb died, I would have shared that I was excited to be in a new place of ministry, and I was being challenged to grow into a position that felt…well, far too stretched, sometimes. It may have felt uncomfortable, like shoes that are too narrow and pinch the toes. But it wasn’t painful.
And then the bottom fell out of our world. Death…my firstborn…arms–empty arms–reaching out to hold him. Straining, desperate to hear his voice. My whole body leans forward into physical ache for his touch. I find temporary comfort in a band jacket that smells like him, and putting it on, enjoy at least a faint memory of what it’s like to hug and be hugged by Robb.
“How can you believe in a God who’s so cruel?” I’m asked. “Do you still think he’s loving? When he’s hurt you this way?”
They’re the wrong questions, a skewed perspective, false insinuations. God did not take my son away from me. Sin caused this assault on my soul…sin which came by Adam and me, because had I been in that Garden, I would’ve done the same. Still do the same. We brought sin into this world; we are responsible for the deaths–physical and spiritual–that arrive as consequence. We messed up our DNA, introduced conditions for diseases to thrive, and therefore bear the end result of all our sin: separation. Incredibly pain-filled separation from God…and each other, because of Death.
If I accept that God took my son, that he caused my pain…then I am swallowed up by one of Satan’s greatest lies. And I fall victim to the trap that we can be so susceptible to: I turn away from the one and only Source that has the compassion and power to comfort and ultimately, heal my wounds.
Victim.
I hate the term. Despise the concept.
For if I’m a victim, I’m:
- weak and impotent
- powerless to change
- under Satan’s control
- unable to make choices and decide my destiny
I will not be a victim.
I will not be powerless to change.
And I will not be Satan’s puppet when I’m an adopted child of Almighty God!
This is my testimony: God did not choose to hurt me, to take my son away from me. Robb died because there is sin in this world, and we caused that sin. And though we now suffer the consequences of our sinful choices, God yet reaches out to redeem us through his love…sacrificial death…resurrection. I know he holds my sweet Robb in his hands, and one day…one day I will see my precious son again.
But first…oh, I think first I will fall at the feet of my Lord. And with tears flowing–the last time tears will stain my face–I will worship the One who is Life Everlasting!