| EQUIPMENT NEEDED: Husband and wife, both equally fallible. Add just…the demands of daily living. GAME BOARD SET-UP: I would be so angry with Craig about something. Or I might be hurt. Could be a mixture of hurt and angry. But whatever I was…it was obvious. Mouth set in a grim line. Eyes narrowed or red from crying. Avoiding looking at or touching Craig. And the silent treatment—oh yeah, that was definitely part of the drama, ‘er…game. Don’t even think about passing “Go” at this point, people; go directly to jail! OBJECT OF THE GAME: Communication. Working through a problem. Mostly. Well, sort of. If I’m being honest? I wanted Craig to change and do exactly what I wanted him to. Easy enough, right? RULE #1: Eventually, Craig would notice and ask—because there’s a possibility he could genuinely be clueless even if I’m THAT hurt or angry…OR there’s also the possibility he would play hardball for a while (i.e.: ignore the clearly stated game rules, the brat) and make me wait a good while before he’d ask—“What’s wrong?” RULE #2: My response: “Nothing.” Rule #3: Oh, I see that smile. If you’re really grinning…chuckling even?…then you’re familiar with this popular game. Because after my reply, what’s Craig’s move on the game board? To then start guessing. As in, “Was it because I left my wet, smelly biking clothes on the floor in the bedroom? No? Was it because you had to pick up my used floss, Kleenex, and band-aid, sitting on the floor just next to the trash bin because my skills at hitting the wastepaper basket failed? And you’re taking that as ‘Craig’s thinking he’s too busy and important to pick up those things but Carolyn will get them’ type of situation?” (These examples are all from my imagination; any resemblance to actual incidents is purely coincidental.) The point is for the one who’s been offensive to guess. Until he/she gets it right. And BTW, the one who’s guessing loses a point for every wrong guess. RULES/SCORING VIOLATIONS: Well, once again, Craig wouldn’t play by the well-known rules: He refused to guess most of the time. The nerve! Which of course only served to escalate my anger because now I also knew he didn’t care. Okay. Reality check: How many of you play “Twenty Questions!”? None of us has to, you know. Instead, how about we pretend we’re functioning adults who can say something like, “Let’s sit down and talk this through, okay? Yes, I was ___ (fill in the blank: wounded, steamed, embarrassed, frustrated, etc.). Remember the other day when….?” Rather than playing games, we can get to work on our relationship. Be real. Work hard to find the core problem that sent emotions reeling. Part of our search could very well be that we—those of us who are crushed/resentful/discouraged—are also clueless concerning what we’re feeling deep down. That’s why we work at this, together, to discover what emotional wall is keeping us apart. One of these newsletters I’ll share with you one of my best and most profound “clueless” times involving our driving to church and my not feeling cherished. It’s a doozy. WINNING/GAME ENDS WHEN: We actually communicate by having an honest discussion. The one who has offended asks forgiveness; the one who was offended forgives. (I’m over-stating the ease of the process of forgiving here; sometimes true forgiving is a process indeed as it takes time for our feelings to catch up with the commitment to forgive. Please see our earlier newsletters on forgiveness here on my website for other examples.) We go on with daily life until the entire process is set in motion again. (“You know, Sweetheart, when you’re making something to eat, there’s more than just the dishes to clean up. Let me introduce you to: THE COUNTER. That’s where all zillion of the crumbs you’ve left behind end up. If they don’t then fall onto the floor…”) Hopefully at that point, we “play” the adult game rather than the child’s version, eh?! |
Connecting More Deeply
With my God: If I’m totally honest, I have to admit that I sometimes play a form of this with God. Maybe I’m feeling the unjust nature of this world, and I’m blaming God for that. Holding a grudge, even. “Can’t you make life just a little easier right now, God?” I ask, er…demand. Or “Couldn’t you zap! the bad guys just this once?” And then: “Why must the good guys—those who play by the rules and try to be servants and go through life generally trying to do the right thing—why does it seem like those people (i.e.: ME) never get a break?”
My next move? It’s like I’m waiting for God to prove himself to me. To justify his actions in this sin-filled world. Even worse? I’ve set myself up as “creator” and “judge” for the outcome of this self-focused game.
Oh God, please forgive me. Help me recognize whenever I’m sliding back into this pattern. Once again, Job’s story is so relevant:
“The Lord said to Job:
‘Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!’” (Job 40:1-2)
“Then Job replied to the Lord:
‘I know that you can do all things;
No plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’
‘Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me to know.’” (Job 42:1-3)
Honestly, could God’s Word be any more relatable in this age?
With my spouse: Our “Twenty Questions!” may not look exactly like the scenario in your home, but maybe it’s pretty close? Recognizing this and any equally ineffective communication facades is Step One.
Step Two:
*For the still-tempted-to-default-to-the-game communicators: What’s keeping us from trashing this completely? Be specific. Own these excuses. What do we need to do to make positive changes?
Step Three:
*Or…In our home, what form of ineffective communication do we need to work on to bring about real change? Does it need tweaking? Or complete disposal?!
For Those Who Are Nervous…Hesitant…Insecure about Pointing Out Any Need for Change…
We purposefully made this topic humorous in an attempt to take away any threats to your relationship. So now it’s your turn to laugh…and then agree that you just might need to take this seriously. Courageously and transparently look for ways that you can improve and then discuss those.
Go ahead; take a chance. It’s your turn to roll the dice!