Years ago when Craig was a pastor, I remember a situation that was profoundly enlightening for me. We would soon be going on a pastors/wives retreat (there were over 20 pastors on staff), and I was in charge of an activity for the wives. I loved those women, and I wanted to do a great job for them, so I had plunged into the responsibility whole-heartedly. Everything was moving along well when I hit an unexpected roadblock: A pastor’s wife who was my senior decided we’d play a specific type of game, and she had very pointed questions that she wanted to use. The problem? Confidentially, I’d counseled a staff pastor’s wife [I’ll call her Angie] who’d been deeply wounded less than a month earlier. That game…and specifically those chosen series of questions…would be an emotional minefield to her tender heart. However, I couldn’t reveal her situation and pain due to the confidentiality. I also couldn’t sit by, doing nothing: Ignoring the inevitable further wounding of that vulnerable heart was not an option! After seeking Craig’s advice, I cautiously and humbly asked the elder pastor’s wife if we could do a slightly different game. With differing types of questions. The immediate response was surprise and confusion (understandably so) and then…a fairly firm NO. I upped the request, with more passion. Of course she asked Why? And with as much vagueness and broad-sweeping explanations as I could supply, I pleaded for that hurting pastor’s wife. Finally, with no agreement in sight, we tabled it until we arrived at the retreat, agreeing to discuss it again then. I fled to Craig with frustration, angst, fear, and anger pulsing through me. “I’ve never felt so trapped. I just want to protect [Angie]!” I told him. “I know how much she’s hurting, and this will throw salt on an open wound. But I can’t tell her story to [the senior wife]—though she’s clearly not happy with me. And I can’t explain it to [Angie] without appearing disloyal to [the senior wife].” Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I poured out my despair. “I just want to do the right thing. I’m caught in a web of confidentiality in which I can’t explain anything to anyone. And no one else but you is even aware that I’m getting beat up in this battle!” And then Craig said the words that I can still hear so clearly. “That, quite frankly, is the nature of my job. That’s what I do, day after day after day.” I was so moved that I was stunned into silence for a few moments. “Oh, Sweetheart. Is that what being a leader demands of you? Is that the cost, regularly?” “Yes, it is. You do the right thing. And then your actions are scrutinized and judged, sometimes to the point of questioning your integrity or character. But you can’t reveal confidences. You can’t explain why you’re doing what you’re doing, most of the time. So you take the questioning, do the right thing, and keep on leading, God willing.” It was a profound moment. A step into the heart of intimacy. And I loved him even more. We played the game at the retreat—but minus the few questions that I knew would hit too close to home. [Angie] did fine, and neither she nor the [senior wife] ever knew any of the intense struggle I’d been through to protect a dear one’s heart. Why tell this particular story? Because…. *it demonstrates how we can experience great benefit in attempting to feel what our spouse feels. *when we go beyond merely listening to empathy and then taking those emotions on myself, it’s as though I am in his/her skin. *when I’m on the receiving end of that process—I’m in Craig’s position, knowing his partner (me, obviously) was truly realizing the weight and pain of his job—I am no longer walking that pathway without my helpmate, alone. What are the steps to get to that place where you’re a team, traveling your journey, together? 1.Recognize you can walk through life more closely…improving the strength and scope of your journey 2.Gauge your marriage’s current team function strength with these questions: Do you feel separate, left out (somewhat? completely?) of your spouse’s world? Or—the other perspective—Do you feel alone/alienated in your world? Maybe you’re experiencing both?? Could be you’ve yearned for something like this—and didn’t know what it was you were desiring? 3. The solution is not to demand that your spouse change. 4.Instead, both of you must pro-actively work to “invite in my spouse.” There are many nuances and roadblocks in this journey, as this is not easily accomplished. We’ll dig deeper and provide more help for you in our next newsletter. For now…keep reading below… |
| Connecting More Deeply Letting Carolyn In When we married, Craig was closed up tighter than a trunk that had been padlocked and tossed into the depths of the ocean! Here’s what he worked through in his initial steps to let me in, directly from Craig… 1. Recognize this is not easy – calling for heavy emotional work. 2. Reframe mental decisions that were hindering our functioning as a team *I thought that by not sharing ministry issues with Carolyn I was protecting her, or that she wasn’t capable of handling those issues. I assumed I was being a good husband by doing this…but I was wrong. *Attempts to protect Carolyn were actually hurting our relationship. I realized she could be trusted to handle a lot more than I had previously assumed. *I needed to discuss with her and then identify the areas we could and should discuss together. *I still have a line of confidentiality which I must maintain—things I cannot share. Carolyn fully understands and accepts that boundary. *By trusting Carolyn, I gained wisdom she could provide, plus ways she could help me process. *This was especially true as she came to know and understand me more: How I think, process, feel, and respond to various challenges. *In Carolyn, I gained a wonderful prayer partner and encourager—which she could put to ever greater use when she understood issues better. Recognize, acknowledge, and mobilize Carolyn’s giftedness *She’s a strong, effective speaker—helps me strengthen my sermons, presentations, etc. *She’s a gifted writer—provides editing for some of my communications *She has insight and discernment into persons or groups that I might be missing Release my insecurity or ego needs to see that I needed her help in ministry |
| From Carolyn… My New Perspective and What Changed *division of the overall labor in our home At this point, Craig’s carrying such a heavy weight at work that we often hire out [i.e. gutter cleaning, sprinkler system repair]. If it’s another thing weighing on him, I’m all for hiring, if we can afford it. In the past, I may have pressured him to do more to save money. But not at this time. *division of our time between: work, myself, couple, family/ friends I’m much more accepting of Craig’s need for more hours at work or for himself when I get how demanding the job is at a particular time/week. Where he is emotionally/physically also determines time spent with others. *vacation needs in relation to physical, emotional, mental restoration We both recognize how much we need a vacation to be soul-restoring, and thus we choose and plan accordingly. *weekend activities My “honey-do list” is going to wait whenever I know Craig’s physically and emotionally exhausted. I think I expect less…and yet receive more from Craig. *evening division of labor: cooking, clean-up, helping kids with homework, etc. Sometimes I encourage Craig to rest or escape in a good book or television. In the past? Rarely, if ever. *we began to truly function as an effective team NOTE: the exercise works both ways! We could also work back through that list to demonstrate how Craig responds to my needs based on a “now I understand” dialogue about me. This exercise is for both of you! Next newsletter on November 21… Ready to go even deeper? Don’t even THINK of bailing! Trust us on this, please: this is worth the effort. |