Part 1
2.21.2019
We were driving to a couples’ retreat center in Fairhaven, Tennessee, for some serious work on our marriage. The number one issue: Our broken sex life. Two weeks before, I’d summoned all my courage to tell Craig we needed a total break from sex until we’d worked out what was the core issue. In the previous months, every attempt at physical intimacy had produced (for me) increasingly more feelings of isolation, distance, despair. I had no idea how to fix this. But I did know we desperately needed to figure that out, and Fairhaven gave us the opportunity, time and privacy to do exactly that.
But here we were, stuck, so to speak. Still hours away from our destination and yet pulled over to the berm of the expressway. Seething. Avoiding looking at each other. Miserable. A petty argument about car rental had exploded into full combat, and I felt sick to my stomach. Even though we sat only inches apart in the front seat, it felt like miles divided us. We had a decision to make: Go home right now? Or take the leap of faith—hope that we could indeed “fix” us—and continue to Fairhaven?
Our relationship felt like it teetered on the edge of a razor.
We’d reached an impenetrable wall, but because of our vows before God there truly was only one choice to make. Each of us needed to say yes, I will. I will keep on fighting for us. Agreeing to do that? Not an easy choice. But finally, made; both of us chose to stay “all in.” Craig maneuvered the car back into the highway traffic, and we continued on our journey, silently.
Our private little cottage was warm and inviting and stocked with homemade chocolate chip cookies—all totally incongruous with our unhappy spirits. While unpacking and settling in, we talked about only the necessities, questions and answers in as few words as possible. Our companions—pain and isolation—moved in with us too.
The first roadblock had been passed: We’d said “yes.” To coming. To us. To our sacred union of vows before Holy God. But oh my, did we have work to do—a mountain of hurt feelings and separation to wade through.
God, help us.
Connecting More Deeply
With my God: We probably all have some deep, subconscious emotions surrounding the topic of sex. Those feelings can highjack the relationship with a spouse if they control us in subversive ways.
To uncover these hidden controllers, concentrate on past and present influencers:
*What did you glean about sex from your parents?
*What have you taken from the media of our present culture?
*From your peers?
From each of the categories above, are your associations basically positive? or negative? truthful or far from reality?
*What does God say about sex within marriage? Examine Genesis 2: 23-25; Hebrews 13:4; and Song of Solomon for its beautiful love language.
NOODLE ON THIS: The better we can bring subconscious emotions forward to be pro-actively examined, the less power they will have over us. (From Colossians 3:15-16 – “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts…let the word of Christ dwell in you richly…”)
With my spouse: For whatever reason, talking…verbalizing…examining our feelings about sex with my spouse is often tough to do. But at some point, we need to open that dialogue. What do you need to (admittedly, vulnerably) look at in relation to your sex life with your spouse?
Suggestion: Write each other letters to begin. That gives you time to thoughtfully choose your words. It also grants a measure of space as you open this door to your relationship. Remember: Be gentle. Use the I word more than you (to avoid blaming). Lastly, concentrate on describing how you feel followed by an adjective (a describer) to enhance your dialogue.
(If all is good with your sex life, then rejoice! But maybe there are other sticky areas where you can use this technique to begin a vulnerable discussion?)
NOODLE ON THIS: This is not a time to blame. Instead, it is a time for us to be gentle with one another as we look at tender and vulnerable areas in our lives. I will concentrate on ME; I will trust YOU to examine you.
With my community: Certainly, sex is not a community activity! At the same time, we need to support one another through accountability (in your life groups, are you accountable for your actions?) and what husbands and wives are exposing their innermost souls to—mediums that do not depict realistic sex (I think we can accurately say that most movies and “romance novels” do NOT depict sex realistically!) or pornography.
NOODLE ON THIS: We husbands and wives need to hold ourselves accountable to each other and to our life communities. Practically, how can we make that happen?
The Flip Side: Substitute Viewing
Not relating to the difficulties of speaking to each other honestly about sex? Then spin that “edge of the razor” experience to another topic entirely.
*Discuss a time when both of you needed to re-commit and say “yes” because you were deeply divided over some issue. What did you learn about each other and your relationship from that difficult time?
*Are you currently at a crossroads where neither of you wants to compromise? Do you need to verbally re-commit right now?
*”Our relationship is more important than any divisive issue.” What will it take for both of you to agree with and implement this statement?
*Sit facing each other so that your knees touch. Hold hands. Look into each other’s eyes. Re-commit by repeating the sentence above and asking for forgiveness, if needed.
*Pray for your relationship.
REPEAT AS OFTEN AS NEEDED: “Our relationship is more important than any issue that divides us.”
[Note: Craig and I acknowledge that not all issues are easily resolved, or can be resolved. In a relationship when one spouse has been unfaithful, unconditional love, sadly, looks and applies differently.]