| Many years ago, Craig and I were privileged to host a well-known leader/speaker for dinner. We’d looked up to him for years, so we were excited to get to know him better. We’d been communicating on a more superficial level when our guest began sharing about good friends of his, a couple he and his wife were very close to. The wife was somewhat of a hoarder; she allowed things to collect in stacks—bills, her dirty clothes, old newspapers and magazines, junk mail, etc. It was a problem for her, but not to the extreme that she needed counseling. That habit, however, irritated her husband tremendously, and they had cycled through several “I promise I won’t let it happen again!” phases in their decades of marriage. One day, however, the husband delivered an ultimatum: “NO MORE STACKS,” he declared. “And if you start doing it again, just one stack, then I’m done.”
The wife was diligent and self-disciplined for a long while—the longest she’d ever gone without allowing anything to collect. But then she slipped; a stack began growing again. And her husband…left her.
I remember that Craig and I were left speechless at that point, incredibly saddened by the story itself, and by our guest’s response of anguish registered on his face. This couple’s story had obviously affected him deeply. But then he explained another reason why: “Gotta tell you, I can relate to that. Sadly, I understand how that could happen.” Once again, Craig and I were left silent in our sorrow.
As Craig and I shared later, the stacks themselves truly weren’t the issue. But they certainly were a symbolic and tangible reminder of all the “unprocessed issues” in that slowly dying marriage. Our main concerns, however, centered on this spiritual giant in our evangelical world. Was his marriage in danger too? How much had he and his wife shoved aside, failing to deal with issues that could pull them apart? Certainly this godly man would use that heartbreaking story as incentive to fight for his marriage, wouldn’t he?
Craig and I repeat this story today—we’ve used it often as motivation for ourselves and others that we’ve taught—to plead with you all…please don’t allow issues to build and ultimately separate you and your spouse.
A clarification: We’re not referring to the complete removal of every and all “stacks” in your relationship. We’re imperfect people with imperfect relationships; some issues won’t ever be fully resolved and therefore will always remain part of our shared history. We’ve worked on those differences to the point that they’ve not disappeared entirely, but are manageable.
The dangerous stacks we’re referring to, however, are ever-growing, they put a wall between us, and we’ve given up managing them in any way. They could also be those issues that we once had under control, but now are actively growing again. These stacks are volatile; at any given moment they can split our relationship in two. When you combine the stresses of this pandemic with the normal stresses of life, we land squarely in the danger zone. We dare not take our relationships for granted! No relationship is guaranteed to survive, and especially not in the pressure cooker we’re living in now.
What prompted this newsletter? The recent news of couples who are divorcing. That hurts our hearts. It wounds the Body, impacting the Church. At those couples’ weddings, I assume the congregations were called upon to support the newlyweds. So where have we been? How have we let one another down, again? |
