Amendments A, B, C
Threat Level: HIGHEST URGENCY
 Back on October of 2018, we wrote a newsletter introducing you to The Manual. If you missed that edition or if you’ve forgotten The Manual’s significance, you might want to go to my website and skim that again. Just click on the Read More button below. We…er, maybe actually I sensed that Craig’s first interaction with The Manual was so significant that we’ve recapped it below. Obviously, that was a pretty momentous occasion. I have to admit that no, The Manual is not inspired. But it is close! You might be wondering why we’re adding to that magnificent book. Recent events have called for new additions, and I wanted to get those out to you wives as quickly as possible. We wives realize how essential The Manual is to our homes’ smooth operation, and any updates are vital. So take heart, wives, and mentally add these new amendments to your…Manual. Craig and Carolyn’s First Conversation about The Manual We were exhausted from a long day. Both of us had just crawled into bed (my side toasty warm from the “woobie”—a heating blanket—I’d turned up to high) when Craig reached out to switch off the bedside lamp. “Oh drat. We left the light on in the hallway,” Craig said. Sighs from both of us. “So who’s going to get up and turn it off?” “Well, you are, obviously,” I calmly advised as I snuggled deeper under my woobie. “Obviously, nothing! So why is it automatically MY job?” “Because The Manual says so, that’s why.” “The manual?” Craig sounded highly skeptical of my rational logic. “Yes, The Manual. That’s where all the assignments for ‘who does what’ are explicitly laid out.” “Oh, right. So show me this manual.” “Nope. No can do.” “And why is that?” “Because we wives don’t need hard copies. They don’t exist, actually. Not necessary. We have it memorized.” “Memorized? Yeah, right. So when did that happen?” “It’s in our DNA, sweetheart. We’re born with it. And part of our job throughout our married lives is to tell our husbands what it says,” I informed Craig. “Like needing to get out of bed to do something—especially on a cold night? That’s clearly the husband’s job. Chapter 5, Section 3a. No sense arguing about these things when it’s all perfectly clear in The Manual.” Grumbling, as he’s climbing out of bed to get the light, “You can take that manual and—” To be continued. |
Really, Really Important Amendments: AMENDMENT A Me: “So, should we give the restaurant delivery a try? Think it’s safe?” Craig: “Thought I’d try something different—the tortellini.” Me: “I asked you about the delivery.” Couple minutes pass as I check out the online menu. Me: “So what tortellini are you talking about anyway?” Craig: “Yes, it is.” Me: “Craig, that was not a yes or no response question!” Craig: “Well I can’t hear you when you mumble.” Narrowed gaze and gritted teeth, but I choose to let it slide. Tell myself to be patient and positive. Me: “Let’s give the delivery a try today.” Craig: “Why are you talking so loudly?” Me: “AURRGHHHH! Are you deliberately trying to drive me crazy?” Silence for a few minutes as I search for available weapons. Craig, deadpan: “Did you say something?” Me: “That’s it. Outside, you and the dog.” RESOLVED: When WIVES indicate their sanity is at stake, HUSBANDS must immediately cease any attempts at communication. Non-verbals are included. AMENDMENT B “Stop touching me. Stay on YOUR side.” Applications: 1.bed 2.hallway 3.car 4.kitchen and table 5.available air to breathe RESOLVED: WIVES are ALWAYS in charge of BOUNDARIES. AMENDMENT C Me: “I know we’re both working remotely here at home, and these are unusual circumstances. But if you don’t stop that, I’m going to need to file a charge of sexual harassment.” RESOLVED: HUSBANDS must practice social distancing (and that means six feet, gentlemen) at the WIVES’ discretion/whim. AMENDMENT D Husband is required to make wife laugh at least once a day. Suggested starter dialogue to say to wife: “Please, darling, share all your deepest feelings with me. I have all the time in the world to listen!” (Guaranteed, she will instantly be hysterical, rolling on the floor in her own drool and soaked jeans.) Wife is required to make husband laugh at least once a day. Suggested starter dialogue to say to husband: “Your glasses broke? Just hand me the duct tape; I can fix anything with that!” RESOLVED: Laughter is STILL the best and preferred boost-your-immune-system medicine! Stay healthy out there! |
 Okay, my sharp and creative friends and family, here’s your assignment: Tell us, what does YOUR EDITION of The Manual say? All of us wives need to know any and all updates, editions, variations. We need to keep one another informed to educate our husbands! |