3.21.2019
After a meal eaten in pretty much total silence, we moved to the living room to do the one thing we’d both agreed on when we booked this trip: Read Cliff and Joyce Penner’s The Gift of Sex, out loud. Even then we were short with each other concerning who would read first, what chapters to read, and how we would go about talking this through if we discovered significant issues that paralleled ours. But we had stumbled onto a major asset and pathway to healing: By reading the Penner’s book, we allowed Cliff and Joyce to say the words and address any issues we might be facing. If we didn’t have the tools or courage to discover and unearth our core issues, we counted on Cliff and Joyce to speak for us.
It wasn’t long before I was crying, sobs emerging from deep within my soul. I was listening to my hurt being described in complete detail. It was as though the Penners had invaded our home, listened in, and knew my innermost thoughts and emotions. They had examined and interpreted the whys, giving us the insight we so desperately needed.
Miscommunication (no surprise here) was at the root of our struggle: Whenever Craig touched me in a teasingly romantic or (hinting at an) intimate way, I felt pressured and trapped that it was the beginning of an unspoken agreement on my part. In my mind, Craig’s touching me had come to mean one thing: We would have sex. As the weeks and months went by and we spiraled down into that continued pattern, I felt more and more…like an object. I judged it wasn’t me, Carolyn, that Craig wanted; instead, I construed his actions to mean that he wanted the purely physical act of sex. I needed and craved tenderness and romance and caresses that led to simply cuddling together. Instead, I judged all that was by-passed for a physical “release” for him, and a cold, rote action with no emotional attachment for me. We were caught in a web, and neither of us had the understanding or words or courage to break out of the unhealthy pattern.
My plea for a break from intimacy had also been misunderstood. When Craig pulled me onto his lap, I could tell that he’d had a breakthrough too. We clung to each other, connecting in a way that we hadn’t for weeks. “I thought you said you didn’t want me to touch you at all,” Craig explained, barely above a whisper. “I totally misunderstood what you were asking of me, and that really hurt. I felt rejected, and rejection by you is not something I can bear.”
Now I cried for Craig, for the pain I’d caused him. And for our flawed attempts at communication that—no matter how hard we try—all too often fail to convey what we intend to say.
Was everything rosy from there on out? Please. This is not Fairy Tale Land with a “And They Lived Happily Ever After!” banner draped over the front of our home. That breakthrough at Fairhaven was just the beginning. We’d discovered the initial problem, yes, but that was somewhat like the Titanic’s iceberg. We had a lot more work to do that hovered underneath. Add to that our assorted challenges: Sexual issues will never be easy for me to discuss. Both of us bring such opposite backgrounds to the table that we’ll always struggle somewhat with those preconceptions. And Craig and I are just wired differently—no surprise there either, though, eh?
Should we ever hit a major snag again, we wouldn’t hesitate to go right back to the experts for help. The intimacy of sex is far too important in a relationship to take for granted; to assume issues will work themselves out; or to deny the reality that problems exist. One takeaway we hope you’ve heard loud and clear: Please, have the courage to seek help if you need to.
Connecting More Deeply
If there’s anything that Craig and I do fairly well that we wish we could translate adequately to other couples, it’s the ability to get to the core issue of our fractured relationship. Frankly, there is no “step-by-step, this is easy-as-pie” process for me to describe. Wish there was, believe me. But as best I can describe them, these are the steps (and beliefs we hold with those) that we take:
1.We commit to a dedicated time to talk. That means reserved on our calendars just like we would schedule any other appointment.
(Ask yourself and each other): Is our relationship important enough to schedule time for us?
2.We sit facing each other, planning for eye contact. (Constant not required, but some is agreed upon as mandatory.)
Can we look at each other through our anger, hurt, misunderstanding?
3.We agree that our shared feelings will not be judged. They are “revealers,” and we view them as lights to our souls and what’s going on there. That atmosphere creates a safe zone, a freedom for shared confidences, an acceptance and even encouragement for vulnerability.
Do I have the courage to look at my deepest emotions?
4.We zero in on strong feelings and then attempt to discover what’s behind those emotions.
What subconscious thoughts, judgments, hurts, misinformation are hiding there?
5.We’re on the same team…fighting for us and seeking to discover what has come between us.
Do I really view us as working together on our issues? Or as opponents?
6.We both work hard to look inward and be intensely honest.
What’s holding me back from being completely honest and real with you? With God?
7.We share whatever we discover in that environment for safe disclosure, trusting the other to accept those thoughts and feelings for the good of our relationship.
Is your heart big enough to hear what I discover? Will you love me through this?
NOTE TO “FIXERS”: This exercise is not about fixing the problem/issue. This is about active listening to uncover the core issue that’s caused a wall of separation, hurt feelings, a fractured relationship. There will be time later to work on what you discover–and Craig and I will address that in a future newsletter.
Do not attempt to skip over this crucial part of repairing your relationship! If you do….you’ll only prolong the process, and guess what? You’ll circle right back around to this all-important initial step!
Recommended Books:
The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner
Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat, M.D., and Gaye Wheat
Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman