Years ago, Craig and I had the privilege of being a presenting couple for Marriage Encounter. We gained so much from that experience, including: What intimacy truly looked like in marriage, and how Craig and I could experience that; improved communication skills; balanced views about emotions and their important place in communication; how to effectively dialogue with each other; and lastly, the principle that listening is an active skill.
I can hear your pushback. Say what? Speaking is active, Carolyn. Listening is inactive—actually passive in nature.
I beg to differ.
Ever watched the series entitled Longmire? Set in the West, it’s about Sheriff Longmire and his many cases and adventures. He’s a gentle soul for a sheriff, and he goes about his duty with compassion, integrity and character. But the one line that I’ll never forget originated in this scenario: Longmire’s been in a discussion with someone, and suddenly he goes very quiet…for several seconds. (Let me assert here that his character regularly pauses just a beat longer than is considered normal in conversations. He never interrupts or talks over someone, and that extra beat of silence before he answers or comments is often noticeable.) When Longmire’s silence goes on for a significant amount of time, however, the other character asks, “What are you doing?” Longmire responds, “I’m thinking. I do that sometimes before I talk.”
What a concept! Sincere listening to another, followed by thought before speaking. It’s a lost skill.
What interferes with pro-active, focused listening? Let’s list some suspects:
*When another is speaking, I’m busy thinking through and preparing “my defense” or even simply “my response”—it’s that important, mind you
*I’m working on “the best me that I can be” (excuse me while I vomit)
*I’ve found my voice on social media and my voice must be heard!
*I’ve been told all my life that I’m a princess or a prince (and everyone else stops talking when royalty speaks, right?)
*I’m a normal person simply trying to be in and energize a conversation, so thinking about what I’ll say while the other person is still speaking is actually a strength of mine
*In other words, we’re all guilty of this at one time or another
We’ve forgotten—or maybe never understood?—that one of the best things we can do to keep a meaningful conversation going is to actively focus on listening. We should practice facing towards and looking into the other person’s eyes, while keeping distracting non-verbal movements to a minimum. Everything I do should be saying, “Right this moment, listening to you is the most important thing I need to do.” Because having that intention in mind is probably the only way we’re going to intuit the speaker’s heart, what he or she is truly needing and wanting to communicate. We all want to be heard. And that means another’s active listening to our words and hearts were both a significant part of that process.
Now, if we’re discussing next week’s grocery list (which, granted, could be way important to a starving teenager) or what made me laugh when the dog was chasing his ball…that’s another matter in a list of “Discussions That Are Keenly Important. Or Not.” However, our habits right now appear to be so lax that maybe practice is needed even when we’re discussing the goofy new Dr. Pepper commercial I just watched?
Practice Makes…Better?!
Here’s my challenge to you for this week: When someone you care about is speaking, put aside your phone. Literally, I mean: put it aside. Turn to face him or her. Look into that spouse’s/child’s/friend’s/co-worker’s eyes and focus on nothing but listening to the words that person is saying. Tuning into that person’s heart means you’re watching for non-verbals, the tone of certain words, inflection and so much more. Listen for what his or her heart is communicating to you. Believe that you truly can discern that! You might then also use a technique that great communicators often utilize—the habit of asking something like, “If I’m hearing you correctly, I think you’re saying that you….?”
Watch for the possible fruits of your efforts. You just might see the other person’s eyes light up.
And that, my friends, is to touch the edges of intimacy.