The Scenario. The Story. The Upshot. The Takeaway.

This picture is from our recent trip to Yellowstone (Look for more and obviously much BETTER pictures on my Facebook!). Though our postures just happened to be this way, the picture certainly can represent where Craig and I were physically and emotionally a couple months ago! Sure looks like I’m pleading with him about something…

A quick refresher on “The Story” from our last newsletter:

Craig was already feeling overwhelmed and inundated with problems that he had to solve/fix at work, so he wasn’t the slightest bit interested in learning that we had a potential problem at home too. So he argued with me and chose to believe that the strange sound I had discovered was only the “wind blowing in the fireplace.” Turned out to be a major leak—one that was spraying water all over our crawl space. Weeks later, we learned that our impasse would result in a $35,000 repair! Could a miscommunication have gone more wrong?! (And a big thank you to our insurance company!)

Needless to say, I was intent on rooting out the core problems that led to that mess (literally and figuratively!)—to work at making sure something like that would never happen again. The other issue? I felt disregarded and disparaged. Why wasn’t I believed? And then I was frustrated with myself, too: Why wasn’t I more persistent? I KNEW that sound was more than the wind, and yet I allowed that surety to be cast off as a “You’re being O.C.!” judgment. AURGHHHH!

View our Disconnect from YOUR Vantage Point:

Wives:
-Have you felt disregarded and/or disparaged in your relationship?

-When was that, and was this in relation to your opinion? Your skills? Your judgment?

-How did you respond? Did you argue a little, and then let it go? A lot, but still give in? Were you persistent until your husband validated your opinion/conceded/accepted your help?

-Did you feel tempted to “ramp up” the interaction? Did you escalate it?

-Did you pay a “price” for that interaction? How? What was your “takeaway”?

-Was that interaction ultimately satisfying? Frustrating? Infuriating? (Maybe all three?!)

Husbands:
-Have you felt overwhelmed/pressured/threatened by an interaction with your wife?

-When was that, and how did you respond to her in that moment?

-Did you feel tempted to “ramp up” the interaction? Did you escalate it?

-What were you actually reacting to? The issue? Or HER?

-Why did you or why didn’t you validate/acknowledge/accept her opinion/help?

-Do you think you both “paid a price” for your response?

-Do you wish you’d handled that interaction differently? How?

*TO BOTH OF YOU: This exercise will be valuable only if you are honest/candid….in an atmosphere saturated with love and forgiveness!! This is NOT an opportunity to GET EVEN!! Secondly, you may need to switch out those headings, putting “Husbands” over the top list and “Wives” over the latter. This scenario may work out a bit differently, but it’s also entirely possible!

Takeaway:

1. Be persistent if you’re truly convinced your judgment, opinion, skills are correct/needed
I.e.: In the case of strange noises – they may be related to a house, major appliance, car, etc. (I think cars LOVE to make all sorts of funny noises when women are driving. Once a male takes the wheel? The clunking stops. It’s a conspiracy, I’m convinced.)
Honestly, there are times when I’m so torn: Do I risk Craig’s getting angry with me by persisting? Or by letting something go (that I shouldn’t), how angry am I ultimately going to be with myself? This has to be an individual scenario/situation thing: Each interaction merits its own evaluation as to which way you bend.
As to our situation? Next time, if I’m really convinced I’m right, I will definitely be more assertive. I’ll let you know how that works out!!

2. Choose your battles/times wisely: Do NOT press insistently when with others—especially other (think they’re macho type) males. That’s a poor time choice for effective assertiveness! When he’s over-the-top tired, watching his favorite team on TV, stressed, or busy is also not a good time to press him.

3. Remember and be sensitive to underlying desires/needs: Give him the benefit of the doubt: He’s the head of the home and he truly wants to help. Do your best to grant that his motives are good even though he’s driving you crazy!!

4. If you’ve never had a serious discussion about your individual skills and how to divide up jobs/responsibilities in your home, take this opportunity to do that. Or…maybe you’ve entered a new stage of life or a transition of some kind, and though you’ve job distribution before, you need to re-visit the issue. It’s never too late to discuss/negotiate in a healthy marriage!

Leave a Reply Cancel reply