2.7.2019
| From Craig’s desk…. Intimacy can be defined by three C’s: Closeness: The ability to let down your inner barriers and allow someone else to see you as you are. When you feel close to another person, you don’t mind if that person sees you without your normal defenses—psychological and otherwise. You feel safe with that person because you know that he or she will accept you, flaws and all. Communication: In a truly intimate sense, this means you’re able to say how you feel and understand how the other person feels. When you communicate intimately with your partner, you don’t avoid discussing painful or difficult topics. Rather than avoid conflict, you approach it, but not in a malicious or angry manner. Emotions may lead you to become irritated, frustrated, and even ready to scream, but you don’t attack your partner. By the same token, when you’re angry or annoyed, you don’t avoid expressing the way you feel. People who communicate positively in an intimate relationship are able to be both active and empathic when listening to their partners. Commitment: This means you agree to remain attached to your partner through thick and thin. It’s the “till death do us part” phrase in traditional marriage vows. True commitment means you’ve given your word, you made a vow before God, and you feel emotionally bound to this person. These three components of intimacy refer to your potential as an individual, not the quality of your relationship. The opposite of intimacy is isolation. |
| Connecting More Deeply You may wish to do these separately, and then share your answers with each other. You might also choose to skip some of these…or do one question a day. ADAPT AND CHOOSE AS YOU LIKE. Please do what works best for your relationship! Do I find myself leaning more towards intimacy? Or isolation? Where am I personally on the spectrum of intimacy to isolation? Where is our communication on that spectrum? What benefits do I see from allowing you to know me—flaws and all? Am I putting up a barrier? If so, what am I afraid of or worried about? What’s greater: my fear to be emotionally vulnerable? or my trust in you to accept me? Certainly on a rational level, I grasp that God knows everything about me. But is there something holding me back from admitting all that I am to holy God? Can I see a glimpse of what my choosing to be vulnerable before God and my spouse could offer in relation to release, freedom, accepting unconditional love? Is the reverse true of me? Do I attempt to accept you, just as you are? If not, what’s hindering me from doing that? Do we create an atmosphere that allows me to express how I feel? For you to express how you feel? If not, how are we stopping that? And why? Do we grant empathy towards each other? How? Be specific. If we flounder in this area, how do we go about creating a safe atmosphere? (Note that in the box below you’ll find practical ideas and suggestions to get you started.) Do we avoid conflict? If so, do our uncomfortable emotions surface in other ways/areas? Where and how do those emotions appear? Evaluate this way: Am I sometimes surprised by an uncomfortable emotion that doesn’t appear to “belong” to that experience? What effect does that have on me personally? On our relationship? If we do allow conflict, do we “fight fairly”? How well do we work through the steps of confrontation, communication, resolution, forgiveness? Are we each totally committed to this relationship? How have we demonstrated this, or not? What might I need to do to reassure you of my commitment? |
| Let’s get practical. As promised in our last newsletter, here are several suggestions on how to encourage acceptance of feelings and therefore, intimacy: 1. Choose to actively listen by not allowing other thoughts to distract you from what your spouse is saying. *Practice and use intentional non-verbals that say: my whole attention is on you. *Don’t allow yourself to plan a rebuttal while your spouse is talking. *Focus your heart and mind fully on your spouse. *Attempt to maintain eye contact, even if your spouse doesn’t as he/she shares. 2. Take the opportunity to say, “I know you as you are right now, and I love you just as you are.” *Re-state your love in many phrases/forms; i.e.: I will love you no matter what you believe is unlovable. I love you unconditionally. I “see” you as you are, and I love you still. 3. Strive to not be a cold, emotional “bystander”: get personally involved. *Allow your empathetic emotions to show. *Use gentle touch to encourage and reassure. *If your spouse is revealing “tough to hear” emotions, try not to react. Instead, attempt to get involved by seeing from your spouse’s perspective. *Don’t allow any (previously used) barriers/deflections to keep you from intimately connecting. *Invite the Holy Spirit to minister to both of you. 4. Give the process of sharing deep feelings as much time as both of you need. *Don’t move to “fix it mode” until both of you signal that “I’m done sharing my heart and am ready to move to solutions now.” (Note that this could very well take hours, days, even weeks of work.) *If you move too quickly to solutions, you’ll likely short-circuit the process and need to circle right back to the start. (This warning comes for Craig and my past!) NOTE: Any type of physical or emotional abuse cannot and should not be tolerated. If you are in an unsafe atmosphere of abuse, we strongly encourage you to move somewhere safe. And then seek professional counseling. |