I could feel my breathing become more erratic, my heart thumping. I needed to tell Craig something…something risky…something I was totally ashamed to admit to myself, let alone to Craig. But I knew that I had to tell him and get it out there for both of us to look at and fight, together. Still, I hesitated and searched for a reason to stall. Finally gathering my floundering courage, I asked God for help. My instincts told me that doing the very thing I dreaded—telling Craig, saying it out loud—was the only way to take away its power. Over me, and over both us.
Softly, my voice tenuous, I said, “Sweetheart, I’m feeling really vulnerable right now.”
“How so?” He looked into my eyes with concern and I felt mine fill with tears.
“I guess our move here has made me feel really insecure. I know you’re busy with this new position. But I need you to somehow give me more attention because…I’m having some fleeting thoughts about another man. I have NO intention of acting on those—would never cross a line with him because I’m committed to you and love you as much as ever. But that insecurity makes me vulnerable. I’m so sorry to admit this to you, but I really need your help right now.”
“I can do that, sweetheart. I’m sorry I’ve been so preoccupied, and haven’t put time into us like I normally do.” Then Craig took me into his arms and we clung to each other for a while. I’d had no idea how he would react to my admission—though I was probably expecting hurt and disappointment because I sensed that’s how I’d react if the situation had been reversed—so I was nearly overwhelmed with gratefulness for his immediate commitment to us. I didn’t have the courage at that time to ask him what all he was feeling, but I felt a weight had been lifted from my heart. And the power of any attraction had miraculously dissipated into thin air.
I thanked God for a husband who was understanding and forgiving and one who took my request seriously. In the coming weeks I would think back on that attraction and shake my head in wonderment and disbelief. “What on earth?” I remember thinking. “Can’t imagine why I would ever feel that. But I’m so very, very glad I told Craig and that he took it seriously.” Difficult as that revelation was, it was the exact right thing to do, and freed both of us from a potentially dangerous situation.
We have some tough, direct questions for you: Have you been there in your thought life? Are you there right now? Maybe you’re not focused on one person, but are simply…vulnerable for any number of reasons. And therefore, sending incredibly dangerous signals to the opposite sex that I am available.
WARNING: You have entered a danger zone!
The time to stop and change direction is now.
Of course you’re not wearing a flashing neon sign. But non-verbals can send a message that’s just as clear, and equally potent. We know that where my thought life goes—one which is allowed to thrive and even encouraged to do so—will prove actions eventually follow. Beyond that, far too many of us are susceptible to a dangerous lure literally at our fingertips: the internet. You may even be fooling yourself, rationalizing, “What’s the problem? I’m not actually with this other person; what I’m doing is harmless.” That line of thinking is totally false (you’re deeply and irrevocably wounding yourself AND your spouse) and leads to the last stage in this slide: an affair. I hate typing that word—even putting it out there as potential reality.
How do we keep this from becoming our fate? We need to back up and unpack the process. Let’s carefully and transparently look at what happens before we reach the stage where I was: the beginnings of dangerous thoughts. Or sending signals.
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Connecting More Deeply
with my God and myself:
Take time to consider carefully and evaluate prayerfully:
Am I feeling insecure? That insecurity may have developed from: *major life change or transition (birth of first child, youngest child enters school, empty nest, menopause, retirement, etc.)
*move to a new city, state, country or even just across town
*career change – yours or your spouse’s or both
*demotion, unemployment or a stark reminder that I’m not indispensable or valued
*health diagnosis, some kind of reminder that I’m mortal
* loss of a family member, close friend, beloved pet
Am I feeling lonely, adrift, like I don’t belong? Those feelings may have come from:
*break in your spousal relationship
*break in another relationship that was close and highly valued
*friend (or you) move(s) away
*any type of emotional separation
Am I feeling afraid? My fear may come from judging myself a failure, unable to “fix” something or someone:
*circumstances (at home, work, church, wherever) are “out of my control”
*close family member or friend suffers from depression/mental break from reality/suicide attempt
*reality (because it’s painful) feels unbearable
*a hope/expectation has been dashed (infertility, career goal, child born with permanent disabilities, etc.)
Am I feeling a loss of autonomy? Am I asking, “Who am I now?” because of:
*physical or mental health problems/disabilities
*infertility; child with disabilities
*forced career change away from life-long hopes and dreams; job loss
*financial dependence
*loss of home or bankruptcy
*mom dealing with role change in empty nest
*recognition of physical/emotional/mental aging
*recent retiree
with my spouse…
I told you our story—and that included Craig’s reaction of “let’s get right to work fixing this.” But your spouse may not be able to grasp this potentially devastating news and then process the emotions involved as quickly as Craig did. On the contrary, he or she may need not only more time, but the help, wisdom, and guidance of a pastor or counselor.
Please, don’t allow a judgment that moving slower to a positive response reveals:
–less love for you
–weaker spiritual maturity
–or fragility of your bond.
Many might simply need more time, and that’s perfectly understandable.
As always, keep in mind the end goal: A stronger marriage union which is based on truth. If you’re building your house on sand (unreality/merely what you want to believe), then your foundation may not survive the storms of life. Bringing truth to the light brings an element of risk, but it also presents the possibility of ultimate survival and hope for a deeper relationship.
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A Final Word
Even though Craig’s response appeared to be one of immediate acceptance and a focus on problem-solving, he tells me his emotions underneath were altogether different. My disclosure made Craig feel like “he wasn’t enough,” and that painful revelation produced a flood of insecurities. But somehow—and we have to believe this was a movement of God on Craig’s heart and mind—he was able to not act on those insecurities. Maybe we both experienced a bit of God’s miraculous protection? Undeserved grace and mercy? Whatever that was, we will both be eternally grateful that our relationship was spared from potentially serious consequences.
Admitting to my weakness was tough enough to tell Craig all those years ago; revealing it to you now in this public way pushed my vulnerability to a level of discomfort that I’ve never experienced before. Why would I share like this? For one major reason: I’m hoping my decision to be vulnerable will encourage you to be equally transparent with your spouse.
I don’t know if you’ve faced this scenario in the past…if you’re shocked by the revelation that you’re living this, currently…or if you can’t begin to relate and are appalled by what Craig and I have shared. But wherever you are in relation to our story, if your marriage needs help now or not until sometime in the future, I hope you’ll emulate and remember my risk of complete transparency in “Creating Pathways” from March 5, 2020. We pray you’ll have the courage to seek vulnerability, and ultimately, your own truth. Because that’s exactly what Craig and I so desire to offer: a relatable, tangible pathway back home, to each other. |
