| When’s the last time you two were on the edge? Not talking about divorce, hiking the Rockies, or being a hair’s breadth from a tantrum at the post office. (Not that I can relate to that.) I’m referring to the pressure cooker scenario that builds between us, but originates in something like the-kids-have-driven-me-bonkers-all-day-and-now-you’re-home-to-take-it-out-on-you type of thing. Could also be stress at the office is over the top. Or once again you picked the line at Wally World where someone’s Frosted Sugar Bombs’ bar code failed to ring up a price. Whatever has brought you to that point, it’s often your spouse (in the wrong place at the wrong time) who does the last-straw move, threatening to put you over the top. Suddenly, you are on the edge. For a split second, you do have a choice: Are we gonna have it out? you think to yourself. Or should I let this one slide? When we’re on the edge, Craig and I have our own unique diffusing mechanism that tips us back into the “this isn’t worth fighting about because it’s really not about you” safe zone. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what our technique is; like the CIA and FBI, I’d have to kill you if you knew. But our “on the edge tipper” makes us laugh, something that instantly diffuses the tension. A friend of mine tells me that in their marriage, she stands on her head. On the couch. Once again, tension diffused. Another couple has a “make a funny face competition.” Crossed eyes, nostrils pulled up, the whole nine yards. As long as the kids don’t see, eh? Please know I’m not referring to those times when you need to voice your feelings…figure out what the disconnect is about…and work on the core issue, together. That’s a wall that originated and was built between you two. If we choose to neglect or ignore that wall, it only grows higher. Own it. Instead, we’re referring to stress that originated outside your relationship, but still has an impact on your marriage. Could be that handling your “on the edge” issues is so important because day-to-day happiness and contentment play a significant role in whether we hang in there—or search for ways to exit out. The build-up in our home was classic: Our son and family live a thousand miles away from us, and they sure could’ve used our help. I fretted and worried all day, feeling helpless. And then Craig came home. It wasn’t long before the sound of his breathing pushed me to the edge. None of the build-up was his fault—except for the trail of seeds I’d picked up from the floor dropped from his stupid “healthy” bread. I opened my mouth to speak. And pitched an edge tipper at him. (One which might’ve been slightly modified to include reference to those stupid seeds.) Laughter followed. Craig pulled me into his arms. “Okay, so what’s really going on?” he asked. Now, together we could begin to tackle our family’s needs. |
| Connecting More Deeply With my God: Do you spend time in prayer evaluating your strongest emotions to help sort out what’s going on in your soul? I’m not talking about hours of self focus; I’m referring to an honest, inward look to gain insight about your deepest needs. Used correctly, this is an invaluable tool for spiritual growth in your life. With my spouse: To benefit most from this exercise, you must be aware of your emotions—be emotionally intelligent. If so, are you aware of your on the edge times? Or do you spill over immediately into an argument—without even realizing you had a moment there to make a choice? How can you work on being more self-aware of this important distinction? If you can separate out these times of choice, do you have a diffuser? If not, what can you use? Be creative! What’s the likely scenario for when on the edge happens in your home? Talk through possibilities for stress-filled times: holidays (parties or overnight guests); transitions (new home or a new job); kids’ stressed and argumentative (homework or prepping for tests). How can you plan ahead? Can you envision taking that split-second moment to make a decision rather than letting your emotions control and dictate the outcome? With my community: As you go throughout your day, interacting with family, friends, neighbors, strangers….take note of the on the edge times with these people also. You’ll probably be surprised how many times your frustrations with others are not truly about those people. Does this awareness call for change in your decisions? |
| Leader’s Corner Discuss possible scenarios when a diffuser might be called for. Then, ask for creative ideas. (Allow your creative imaginations to fly!) Evaluate: What makes both spouses laugh? What shared history might couples draw from? Explain and caution couples to NEVER choose “below the belt” comments. Give several examples, i.e., references to a spouse’s weight. You’ll only make a tense situation worse! Discuss further how your own “personal diffuser” could positively impact interactions with people in your community. Advice for Husbands Never make your wife mad. She can remember things that haven’t even happened yet. |