From Carolyn: Today’s newsletter comes almost entirely from Craig. Those who work with him know his communication style to be concise and very direct. So those of you who also tend to operate in that way will probably find this newsletter…refreshing. Right up until Craig asks you to do something?!  From Craig: Over time we all begin to develop bad habits in our marriages. There are some major bad habits that are quite destructive: addictions of any kind; unfair fighting; emotional or physical unfaithfulness; and poor communication. In this newsletter, however, I want to focus more on small habits, ones that build up over time. These bad habits are like small leaks that, if left untended, can become a major flood that destroys everything in its path. Ever seen a picture of a dam that was destroyed because no one was intentional about fixing small leaks? I suggest that the best way to replace little bad habits is to focus on doing healthy ones and then, with time, the bad habits tend to go away. One example is the bad habit of not physically touching each other throughout the day, or only touching when you want to have sex. You could begin the opposite positive habit by agreeing to hug or kiss as part of your good byes, or by holding hands when you’re walking together. Carolyn and I suggest this: As a couple, develop your own list of good habits you used to do that were helpful. Or make a list of some good habits you’d like to begin. Here are some ideas Carolyn and I practice in our relationship. I hope they help you generate a list of good habits that you’ll look forward to—viewing this as a fun exercise rather than a tiresome obligation! Pray together daily. I pray for us (out loud, before I leave for the day) almost every day, and it’s as simple as “Father help us walk righteously today; to be mindful of your presence throughout the day; and to be productive in your kingdom work. Bless all our loved ones, keep them safe and heathy, and bless Multnomah University.” Agree to do a simple nice thing for each other daily for a defined period of time—like maybe for a week? Connect briefly throughout the day by text, email, phone, etc., signaling that I thought about you today. Ask, “Is there is something I can help you with?”Surprise your spouse by doing something unexpected to lighten her load Be creative! (I.e., Sneak an encouraging note into your spouse’s lunch, briefcase, purse, etc.) Get to work on the “honey do” list Rub your spouse’s back while watching TV (with no expectation of sex to follow) Massage each other’s feet Exercise together—walking together is a simple way to do this if you like different types of exercise Read a book together and discuss Commit to provide at least one compliment daily and/or say thank you daily Each of you, grab pen and paper. It’s your turn now! |
Connecting More Deeply With my spouse: Behaviorists have clearly demonstrated that focusing our energy on our strengths rather than our weaknesses produces more effective results. So if we grant that to ourselves, shouldn’t we also confer that same perspective to a spouse? Craig’s irritating habits tend to shout at me: That’s annoying! Gripe at him! But maybe it’s true that, in the long haul of the “day-after-dayness” of marriage, focusing on Craig’s positives might prove more beneficial? (Seriously. If I hear him say “Hasta la vista, baby!” one more time when he passes another car….AURGHHHH) With my God: When does someone stop being a liar? When he/she begins telling the truth. The “put off…put on” theme of the third chapter of Colossians lists a number of sins we’re to “put to death.” But the concentration of our energy should be put towards the need to “put on” and to “clothe yourselves” with “compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience…forgiveness, love.” What will happen when those qualities reside in our hearts, better controlling what we think, do, and say? We slowly change. And bad habits erode away! |
Need More Motivation? We’ve been going through a rough time in 2020. Our marriages have been tested. Patience pushed to its limits. Forced to navigate through a world that’s insecure and quite frankly, blatantly scary. The stakes? No less than life and death. But good emerged from those trials: Our priorities have been defined and highlighted—whether good or bad—and we’re hopefully adjusting lifestyles to be in line with what we say we believe. Want to prove you’re learning to do what’s important? Grant your spouse a pleasant surprise. Make that list! |