1.17.2019
| We were close friends—five men and five women— standing in a kitchen enjoying each other’s company. The conversation was light, humorous and free flowing. Then suddenly the topic of intimacy entered our conversation. Within sixty seconds, every man fled from the kitchen to another location in the house, abandoning their wives. What is it about the word intimacy that strikes fear in the hearts of men, turning us into escape artists? In actuality, not all men fear intimacy; some women fear intimacy, too. Regardless, the truth is that everyone desires intimacy no matter how strongly we deny it. My journey toward intimate relationships began late and included several unexpected turns and challenges. As a child and then growing up, I held tightly to my emotions and deep thoughts to the point of denying they existed. I carried that into my marriage too. Carolyn would ask me how something made me feel and I would respond, “Oh, I didn’t feel anything.” Protecting the inner me in this way helped me survive the life challenge of living with an alcoholic father; however, these same survival skills soon became major hindrances to my roles as an adult, husband and father. Slowly God and Carolyn helped me to overcome the barriers to my inner self, allowing me to connect more closely with her, my family, friends and those I served as a leader. Overcoming my fear and developing new relational skills didn’t come easily. I started on the journey toward intimate relationships because I saw the damage I was creating as a closed, protected person. I stay on the journey because I now see the positive changes in Carolyn, my family, friends, those I serve and in myself too. Don’t misunderstand—this journey will never be easy for me. I repeatedly need to remind myself why intimate relationships are so valuable in my life. Some days I judge I’m still at the start of my journey and at other times I judge God has brought me to new highs. I know this for sure, however: the progress I’ve made in the area of intimacy has made me a better person and allowed me to experience Christ’s love more fully. It’s a tough journey for me, but the view from there is amazing.Read More |
| Connecting Deeper… With God: How would I describe my intimacy with God? What exactly does that look like? With my spouse: Besides the physical act of sex, how do we demonstrate intimacy in our marriage? Suggestion: Separately, write down your answers (be specific!) and then, share. Did you find any commonality in your answers? If not…how do you define couple intimacy? To ask each other: What are some things I could do to make you feel more open and comfortable to discuss intimate topics? What could I say to establish a “safe” atmosphere for us? What (specifically) can I do? What do you need to experience in our marriage to help us wade into previously unsafe topics? …And Deeper Yet Step-by-Step Instructions on how to trample your spouse’s feelings (and thereby suppress intimacy): 1. Make him/her justify by asking “Why?“ 2. Be subtle by saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” 3. See no importance in how she/he feels. 4. Hope your spouse’s feelings will “just go away.” 5. Attempt to negate your spouse’s feelings by arguing or reasoning. I.e.: “There’s no reason for you to feel sad.” Honestly evaluate...Am I guilty of any of these? In what way? How can I improve? Suggestion: Go through the list above once more, explaining what the exact opposite response of each of those would look like. (In our next newsletter, we’ll provide practical and explicit examples of how to accept each other’s feelings, and therefore encourage and promote intimacy. Stay tuned!) |
The Flip Side So….still saying you have no issues with intimacy? Take the test: Do any of these make you break out in a cold sweat? *Being forced to watch a Hallmark movie (okay, so maybe this is a form of torture for some) *Hearing from your spouse, “Honey/sweetheart/dear, we need to talk.” *In a small group, the leader announces, “We’re going to have a sharing time now! Let’s go around the room and we’ll start with YOU.” (Pointing to YOU, of course.) *Your church is sponsoring a couples’ retreat. You’re an elder/deacon/small group leader/Sunday school teacher. And all leaders are strongly encouraged to attend! *Your spouse expects you to watch “This Is Us” with her/him. *The mere mention of the word INTIMACY in any conversation! Does it cause you to run? “I’m not afraid of intimacy…as long as it’s shallow, meaningless intimacy that doesn’t reveal too much about me!” Randy Glasbergen |
1.17.2019