Ultimately, Is It Worth It?

Just look at those two naïve, “we’ve got the tiger by the tail” youngsters. Move aside, everyone; Craig and Carolyn were out to save the world!

Can I humbly admit that we had one huge learning curve?

We recently celebrated 48 years of marital bliss. Um. Maybe not so much? A better (and considerably more truthful) description: We’re still best friends, soul mates, and though we readily acknowledge that we have bumps, challenges, and rough times, we love each other more with each passing year. I can’t wait to spend time with Craig in retirement!

We get applause and cheers whenever people hear how long we’ve been married, but quite frankly, I’m puzzled by that. I have to deduce that decades together is still a valued goal. Fair assumption? Statistics, however, prove otherwise. And articles like this one are of great concern to Craig and me:

“From ‘Cohabitation Among Evangelicals: A New Norm?’ by David J. Ayers (from the Institute for Family Studies, or IFS): ‘The rise in cohabitation over the past few decades has been sharp across the developed world, including the United States. Despite the teaching of their faith, Evangelicals have not proven to be much of an exception. If Evangelical leaders wish to turn this ship around, they will need to explore fresh approaches to addressing this issue.’

David Ayers is a Professor of Sociology in the Department of Economics and Sociology at Grove City College. He is the author of the forthcoming Beyond the Revolution: Sex and the Single Evangelical (Lexham, 2021) as well as Christian Marriage: A Comprehensive Introduction (Lexham, 2019).”

Okay, let’s give that a shot. Please allow Craig and me to start by playing devil’s advocate. If you don’t hope to be married to your spouse for decades….then consider operating by this list:

1. Don’t make your marriage legal, fulfilling requirements that declare to the state, country, and all people: We value the institution of marriage for ethical, moral and legal reasons. Be sure to leave any future care for each other (emotional and physical)—and for any children you may have—in legal limbo.

2. Don’t consider your vows a binding, serious, and sacred commitment before your God. Yeah, we know we made vows. But this is my life. You just don’t understand—I’m not happy. And I have a right to be happy and find myself and all I’m meant to be.

3. Always keep divorce front and center as a viable option. Not as happy as you wanted to be? Things getting tough? Money in short supply? This marriage hoopla not providing the perks (self-fulfillment? focus on me?) you assumed it would provide? Opt out.

4. Focus your motivations and energies on what you want rather than what you can give. Self-sacrifice is so over-rated.

5. Expect unconditional love and forgiveness to be granted to you; don’t expect the totally unreasonable reverse demand of yourself—to grant unconditional love and forgiveness to your spouse. Both of you operating in this way? Leads to a wonderfully vicious cycle of bitterness, holding grudges and smoldering anger. That can get really interesting…

6. And speaking of that…hold grudges, keep a mental list of wrongs, and be sure to tell others about these whenever given the opportunity. Throwing each other under the bus can be such fun! (Just don’t expect any “fringe benefits” that night.)

7. Don’t proactively plan how to or work on guarding your marriage, giving to each other what belongs only to each other—emotional, mental, sexual intimacies. Put yourself frequently in tempting or insecure situations where you’ll be tested. If (or should we say when) you fail? Amend or bend or distort “truth” so that you don’t have to “come clean” (literally, figuratively).

Is the hard work of doing the opposite of all of those points above worth the cost? A tremendous cost to you mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually?

Yes. We believe it is.

But you need to decide for you.

So we dare you: Make a copy of the list above. Discuss each of the points with your spouse. Agree? Disagree? Where are you two feeling the most heat?

We’d love to hear back from you….